I have told my story before. I feel like I’ve told it a million times. Through tears to my mom as she was holding me, over text where he was definitely not listening, and or where I was scream crying at him in the car. Over and over again.
In other blogs, I have talked about my pain and even forgiving the boy that broke my heart and continued to shatter it into a million pieces. Honestly, all the words that I said in those posts are totally true. I did find a lot of purpose from the pain that I had felt for so long and I still continue to find purpose from it today. I also don’t walk around like this ticking time bomb of resentment and anger. If my ex is happy with someone else doing whatever he wants to do, so be it. I have forgiven myself for acting out of character when I felt hurt. I had to forgive him for the hurt or I was never going to approach another relationship again. I was never going to heal. So yes, I forgave so that I could get through the day without feeling a mix of rage and sadness deep in my stomach – so that I could finally close that chapter of my life.
One thing I want to get straight, though, is that forgiving doesn’t mean that the story didn’t happen. It did. Just because I don’t deal with the pain when I’m on the elliptical at the gym now, doesn’t mean I don’t have nights when I don’t question what was wrong with me.
So, right now, I see a girl going through exactly what I did. Getting her shit reamed for speaking her damn truth, and it pisses me off. An old friend reached out to me about my story… and blogs about have been the best way for me to tell them lately. So, here we go!
I’m sure he is telling you that he has no contact with her. Check his snap. Before you’re like, “that’s crazy I would never do that,” if you were accused of something that had zero validity don’t you think you’d be itching to show your phone? Just a thought. I’m sure he is telling you that she’s blocked on everything. She’s not. I’m sure that he is telling you that she’s the one that’s “obsessing over him” and “reaching out”, which could definitely be true some of the time, but what about the times that he reaches out to her when she starts to lose a little bit of interest?
Thanks to handy-dandy Wikipedia, I’d like the term narcissistic abuse to enter the chat!! Narcissistic abuse in romantic relationships is when the narcissistic person tends to seeks out an empathetic partner in order to gain admiration of their own attributes and feelings of power and control.
OKAY So, Tommy (name obviously changed but yes, same one as before) and I started dating in high school. Some of my best friends sat me down and told me he had kissed a girl during class. I believed him when he said that she asked to meet him to talk and that never happened. I stayed with him. Stupid.
We went to a show choir competition and he got a bunch of girls’ Snapchats from another school. Kind of weird, but okay. One of the girls comes to visit one of my best friends and have lunch with her. Sees him at his job at a popular restaurant in our hometown and says “That kid and I have been exchanging nudes.” He deleted her before I confronted him, said it never happened, and I stayed. Stupid.
We both went to college. I get a message from a girl that they had hooked up. After she found his Facebook, which had me in his profile picture and said that he was in a relationship, she felt the need to reach out. She lived in his dorm building at the time and before anything happened he told her he was single. He didn’t even lie about that one. I left momentarily. He made me feel like the bad guy for being mad. Begged me to stay and said that nothing would ever happen like this again…. it did. I stayed. Stupid.
My best friend texts me his Tinder profile. We are still very much dating. He was “just doing it to see who was on there to hook a friend up.” He calls me paranoid and untrustworthy for no reason…. um what?
He gets up for work at 4am and fell asleep super early. I was setting an alarm on his phone so he wasn’t late, which I HAVE MY FINGERPRINT IN I literally believed this dude was like an angel I wasn’t looking for shit. It opens to his messages with another girl calling him babe! He already spent a lot of time with this girl and we had a couple conversations about how I needed to know that was platonic and here we are! We had been dating for 2 years. Coupled with the fact that I had just found a video of him at her family’s house when he lied and told me he was at the gym. I flipped. He told me that I was the reason he was in a bad place. I was the one that made this feel different. He left. Because I caught him and he couldn’t think on his feet fast enough to get out of it.
We’re still hooking up every so often. I’m so broken and lonely and begging him to be with me. Stupid. I KNOW, okay? He would swear on our dog that it was just me. That we were going to be a little family again. He was at my apartment and faked a phone call with his roommate who he said was “on the verge of suicide” because he wanted to be with another girl that night. I can say that in quotations because the roommate and I have chatted since then…. and it’s completely untrue. Never happened.
I get really really sick. He takes me to a clinic and tells me, “This better be over by one, I have class” as if I had any control over it!!! Come to find out, he was failing out of all his classes, again just wanted to be with another girl. While I was sick, he would see me VERY infrequently in our hometown when I begged him, when he had to come, he would have to think of an excuse for the other girls that lived in our college town. So, he told everyone that some of our best high school friends had passed away in an accident…. and he had to deal with that at home. He was with me and that terrible tragedy never happened. But, it’s not like someone is going to question that story?? Who would lie about that….? A narcissist!
I’m still struggling hardcore with mental health and he’s really easy to run to. I, however, am over the hurt and the lies. I continue a relationship with him over the summer. I say from the beginning, “this doesn’t have to be exclusive, but I just want to have like a dialogue about it and be open with another.” Yes, I am a dumbass. He basically says that he will not see me if I am seeing someone else. I sleep at his house like 3 times a week… Other nights, he’s with his ex gf. HAHA. Stupid. (I didn’t find out about that till like months after, but still so dumb.)
He comes to my new apartment in Madison and goes out with us! We go on a cute date and the people that are out he knows from high school. Everyone is very nice to him, despite loving me and knowing he’s hurt me which includes my best friend who is very protective of her friends. A week later, I catch him a lie that was literally SO stupid after hyping him up all day about it…. I take my own power back and just ask the girl if they’re together so I could back off if they are!! He calls me psycho, controlling, and that I hang on too tight. He says its the reason people leave my life – something that I had said to him when I was having a panic attack and felt safe in his arms for a moment. I almost hurt myself. I told him that his words were making me feel this way, he didn’t care. He let me marinate with him. I haven’t spoken to him since!
I’m feeling good. I’m looking better. I have no contact and no horse in the race of what happens in this dude’s life. I have never felt healthier, happier, or better than I do at this point in my life!
This isn’t supposed to be this big expose on this kid that I dated when I was a fucking kid. I’m a firm believer that people are not their mistakes. My mom taught me that sorry only works if you change the action, though. A narcissist gets really fucking comfortable in that word though. Are they sorry that you are hurting, or are they sorry that you found out? Narcissistic abuse is scary because it’s taking advantage of your soft spots. Narcissism is lying for the sake of lying. Or, maybe even thinking that you’re so dense that you’ll never catch them. It’s gaslighting when you’re expressing yourself. It’s calling you dramatic, psycho, controlling, or emotional for being a normal human. When you finally find the strength to stand up against the cheating, the lying, or the pain, it’s turning everyone against you.
For me, all he needed to do was say something about self harm and I would instantly go into comforting mode, forgetting all the reasons I felt upset in the first place – because he knows that’s the person I am! I also know that’s the person that the current girlfriend is because her and I have had conversations about it!
A narcissist wants to be empathetic to those around them. For a long time, I was really stuck in that spider web. I believed things about people I had known for so long just because of the way he was saying it. Honestly, it was really easy for him to build an army against me, because I was the “psycho ex”. For sure, there are moments when I said and did things I regret – I have apologized for them. If sharing my story still gives him ammo to call me a psycho ex, so be it
If anything, it’s to make people realize that I should have known my worth in 2015 and gotten out. It’s to make whoever is reading this realize that those red flags that make your gut feel weird are there for a reason. When you bring up something to a partner, you get to feel validated in whatever your emotions are. It’s a reminder that you deserve someone who you can trust, you allows you to be yourself, and makes you feel good.
Here’s a thought: When they were with their ex – odds are they could do no wrong. They loved them so much! Until they got with a new girl, now they’re psycho… sound familiar?
I forgive him for what he did to me. I’m okay. I’m stronger than ever before because of what I went through in that relationship. The story does not make him look good. I know that. I have plenty of stories that I will share that don’t make me look good either. But, this, is my truth. This was my life while being romantically involved with a narcissistic abuser. If it helps one person, I’ve done my job. I’m here for you guys always. Be there for yourself too.
Do you have any experiences like mine? I would love to chat! Slide into any of my DMs on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook! What do you wanna hear about next?