Category: The Blog

My Abortion Story

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*TW: Sexual assault, domestic abuse, pregnancy, abortion

I’ve struggled to write this blog for years. Little blurbs that I want to make sure are included are sloppily typed in the Notes app, scribbled on scratch paper littering my office, and spoken into voice memos from random days. For so long, I didn’t know how to turn some of the worst moments of my life into something that would actually benefit someone. All the emotions and thoughts bouncing around my head were difficult to streamline into anything productive.

I have struggled with the implications putting this on the internet might have on me, my relationships, or my future. To not share my story, however, would mean that I wasn’t fully getting all the purpose from my pain. Today, on a day that sets our country back 50+ years, the words seem to sew themselves together pretty easily. It’s actually been somewhat easy to type the words I’ve been struggling with for so long: I had an abortion.

Setting Some Things Straight

Here on the blog, I share a lot of things that someone else might consider a “skeleton in the closet.” From the gruesome details of chronic pain to the lowest of my mental health lows, I have never felt ashamed in being honest about where I’ve come from. This is not an exception to that.

It has been a long time coming, but The Supreme Court’s direct attack on women’s rights makes this essential now. The face of abortion is not a bunch of high-school aged girls using it as a form of birth control or women making the “selfish” choice to live without the stress of a child. It’s mothers who are experiencing liver failure and risking her life. There’s women of all ages who simply cannot afford to have a baby or give a child any sort of quality life. It’s young girls and women that are victims of sexual abuse.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CcQrDd3pqqq/

There’s wealthy women, incarcerated women, victims, unemployed women, wives, daughters, sick women, and so many more of us in between. One of the only things that we have in common is that we had to make decision that no one wants to make and now, we have to be synonymous with murderers because of it.

My Abortion Story

The Background

There’s a long, long story leading up to my abortion. Some of the details, however, aren’t helpful toward the goal of this blog. They’re wounds that I’ve exhaustively talked about with therapists and medical professionals on more than one occasion, but that have started to heal. So, I’ll give you the details that are important to the story while still guarding my heart a little.

The foundational information to this story is this: I got pregnant at 20 years old with an ex. The promise of “getting back together” left me really naive to the problems that we’d broken up over in the first place.  I was still blind to all the instances of narcissistic abuse within my relationship. I’ve spoken about my experience with a partner displaying narcissistic tendencies, but I’ll never be able to really describe the day in and day outs of those days.

I saw what so many people beg to see, but felt nothing but pain, confusion, and darkness. One day, I will share this amazing, happy moment with a partner who’s equally as happy, rather than one that tells you all the reasons you can’t do it.

To say that I was innocent wouldn’t be truthful. As I’ve said before, I acted horrible in moments of hurt and pain. There were absolutely moments where I was adding toxicity to an already volatile relationship. And, as people are quick to point out, I do know what a consequence of sex is. Just as I answered when seeking an abortion, I was not convinced, blackmailed, or coerced into my decision. I would still make the same decision over again today if 50 years of women’s rights weren’t just stripped from me, that is.

The Reason

I don’t feel I need to give anyone a reason as to why I didn’t want to have a child at 20 years old. I definitely don’t feel like I have to prove instances of abuse within my relationship to be validated in that difficult choice. It was my body, my life, and my future that were affected in that moment.

Coming to the decision that I would choose abortion was the hardest thing that I’ve ever done. It was harder than dealing with the endometriosis pain since I started my period, losing 11 pounds because I couldn’t keep anything down while pregnant, or even having the actual abortion.

Obviously, there are so many horrible moments that lead up to this decision. I don’t want to give those moments life with a blog. The reason for my abortion doesn’t matter; sharing my story and putting a different face to something so stigmatized does. I’m sharing my story in hopes that it finds a woman that needs it. I just really hope that she knows that she doesn’t need a “good reason” to make a decision about her own uterus.

The Abortion: First Appointment

My first trip to the clinic was traumatic. My partner was not able to be there for some reason or another. So, my mom held my hand and soothed me as I walked into an appointment that would change my life.

Planned Parenthood of Wisconsin literally saved my life. They were paramount in getting me safe care, even though they were restricted by our state’s laws. They also helped me to get another form of birth control that has worked for me for years.

People approached our car and yelled to me about “all the other options”. There were other options, but none that would work for me. My decision had been made. Throughout the first appointment, the staff always had disclaimers about what they were able to do and say per Wisconsin State Law. They were obligated to use the word “baby” and made sure that I saw the ultrasound. That staff was forced by State Law to make this as unappealing as possible in hopes that the gravity of the decision would change my mind.

That gravity had been weighing on me since my first pregnancy test. The weight of which was making me very physically ill. I was anemic, dehydrated, and losing weight rapidly. The doctor prescribed some anti nausea medicine so that I could actually get my body some nutrients.  Then, I was sent home. Wisconsin had a 48-hour minimum waiting period between the initial appointment and procedure. I think it was in hopes that I would change my mind. I didn’t. Don’t worry though, I could have immediately gotten a gun if I wanted it.

The Abortion: Second Appointment

My partner begrudgingly agreed to attend the actual procedure with me. Looking back, one of my parents would have been a better option as you can only have one guest. He had somewhere to be (which I later found out was someone to see) and let me know before we walked in. “This needs to be done by one. I have class,” he had said.

Because of my anxiety and depression, the clinic-appointment counselor had suggested the suction abortion method. It was one where ending my pregnancy was completely done by a doctor that day. No pills that my anxiety would probably cause me to throw up.

I was given 600 mg of ibuprofen and something to avoid infection as preparation. As I laid there, I gripped the hand of a stranger. No guests were allowed in treatment rooms or the recovery area. She asked me about shows I was watching on Netflix. It was a stupid conversation, but it kept the focus off the pain. I watched as the bedpan was taken away and only half listened as the doctor described what she had done to my body. My life had just completely changed in the presence of two strangers. It was overwhelming to say the least.

The recovery room was lonely, sterile, and distant. No guests are allowed to hold your hand or decompress with you per Wisconsin State Law. You spend the first moments after a terrible moment of your life with a juice, thick maxi-pad, and microwavable heating pad.

The Aftermath

My recovery was uncomfortable to say the very least. As someone that was very much struggling in my journey with endometriosis (another reason that motivated my abortion decision), my recovery was unique. When professionally done, the rate of complications only hover at about 1%. I was given a lot of grace from my family, friends, and workplace to recover at my own pace – a privilege very few women who seek abortions have.

My ex and I went no contact a year later after a particularly heated argument. From then on, my abortion has never been used against me. His exit from my life and an extensive therapy schedule was the start of my mental recovery.  The days that I thought about it started to get fewer. Tears shed less frequently and in smaller waves. As with most past traumas, there are days that are harder than others. There is a lot more guarding of my heart now. Today, however, there are long periods of time where it won’t cross my mind even once.

I’m easily able to say that I made the right call. If I had to go back, I’d do it again. My story was just that: MY story. The more that I dealt with the recovery and trauma, I was able to truly understand that it had nothing to do with anyone else. On that day, I made the absolute best decision for me, my future, my mental health, my finances, my physical health, and my life for the ONLY person that would have to live through it all…me.

What Hitting Post Means

As I type this, I’m not sure what will come of hitting Post. I’m not sure what relationships in my life will change or how differently people will think of me. It could lose followers or supporters of my business. At the end of the day, though, I’ve felt my emotions about this skeleton. I’ve cried, screamed, and said worse things to myself than any stranger on the internet can say.

I’ve realized that hitting the Post button will not change my value to those that matter in my life. Hitting Post is something that I’ve felt I needed to do for so long. Now, more than ever, as our country steps into the scariest parts of our past. You are not alone and I will not stop fighting for us.

My Abortion in Perspective

My abortion story is one of so much privilege. I was able to seek safe abortion care in a clean facility. Nearly, 45% percent of women already have unsafe abortions due to lack of access. I had a support system for my mental and physical recovery. In the grand scheme, however, maternal deaths are increasing as the stigma of abortion care changes legislation. Overturning Roe vs. Wade is a direct attack on millions of women. They are women with so many different contexts and needs.

Restricting access to abortion care isn’t about protecting the lives of the unborn. The “Pro-Life” movement never cared about my life or the lives of women who are currently in my position. It’s about having power and control over lives that we then aren’t responsible for living. After all, Pro-Life certainly doesn’t mean pro-women lives or pro-quality of life. 

I’m furious. I hope you are too. If you or someone you know can relate to this in some way, reach out. I am one of millions of people in this country that are by your side. Connect with me at any of the socials below. Fight with me here: abortionfund.org

NEW Series: Things I’m Thinking About

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After a long hiatus from writing, I’m starting back up with a series that I think will be both fun and informative on EmyDBlog: Things I’m Thinking About. Each week, I plan to write about a couple things that I spent time thinking, talking, tweeting, and texting about. Plus, it encourages me to regularly write – even if it isn’t the most monumental, life-changing blog you’ll find on this website

A Note From EmyD

For me, writing is healing. It is the thing that makes me feel powerful, worthy, and confident. There are moments that I sometimes feel like I shouldn’t be writing unless I have something groundbreaking to say. I’ve found this to be nothing but the truth. However, like other creative passions, writing lends itself to burnout.

Things I’m Thinking About will allow me to talk about anything while practicing my craft & being just plain creative! All that being said, remember that EmyD is probably not the place to go if you’re looking for citations for your next research paper.

All my love,

EmyD

First Thing: Tainted Strawberries

Did anyone else have to throw away super expensive strawberries??

If there’s one thing that I want on Memorial Day Weekend, it’s some fresh fruit and something grilled. I picked up some organic strawberries for a balcony day with my friend, Evan. There should have been a red flag moment when I walked into the grocery store with ONLY $8 organic strawberries. Alas, I definitely bought them and heard about the strawberry recall a couple days later.

A recall was issued for some organic strawberries that could have been tainted with the Hepatitis A virus. Even as I’m writing this, there are items being pulled off shelves that might have the strawberries as an ingredient. To our knowledge, our strawberries were all good and they’ve been thrown away if not. Goodbye $8!! Plus, we also have our Hepatitis A vaccine, so we’re still protected just in case! (This is not a plug to get vaccinated, but yet, another example on why they keep us safe.) So, my love and cravings for strawberries might be on a hiatus, but I’m still a strawberry stan nonetheless.

Second Thing: Heard v. Depp Trial

Like everyone else who has any social media accounts, I’ve seen SO much on the Amber Heard and Johnny Depp trial. Honestly, I’m not a huge fan of either of them. At the risk of all the hate comments, I haven’t even seen any of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. I also could not have told you who Amber Heard even was.

I have been more involved in this trial, though, than I have with my literal blog. I’ve always had an interest in law – I even studied to take the LSAT and go to law school – but, there was something that just really intrigued me about this trial. It could have been all the memorable moments of the lawyers making hundreds of thousands of dollars being unprepared. Or, I could have been the fact that I’ve had an abusive partner, so I just craved justice. Who knows. I was here for it though.

Both Johnny Depp and Amber Heard were found guilty of defaming the other one. The trial, unlike what many think, is not about whether or not there was domestic abuse. I was particularly irked about the statement Heard made after the verdict. “I’m heartbroken that the mountain of evidence still was not enough to stand up to the disproportionate power, influence, and sway of my ex-husband,” said Heard. Heard misrepresents the case and the jury’s verdict completely which is gaslight-y and a further red flag.

Third Thing: We’re Stilllllll Talking about Guns & Doing Nothing

Photo credit to The Prevention Institute

This topic deserves much more than a blurb in a Things I’m Thinking About post. I know that. Nevertheless, I it’s important to include some of the thoughts racing through my head in this week’s Things I’m Thinking About because they’re relentless. I literally cannot stop thinking about or trying to make sense of an argument in which you WOULDN’T want it to be harder to obtain a gun.

You’ll find hundreds of tweets from elected officials praying, wishing, and talking about the horrific acts in Texas. You won’t find that sentiment when those politicians are tasked with voting to make guns, especially automatic weapons, harder to obtain. They should be thinking about the murders happening at the end of a gun. Prayers should be sent to those families They should be offering their support in the form of votes and action. Otherwise, those words mean nothing. 

From Thinking to Action

That being said, I’ll include some ways to take tangible action. Because, let’s face it, something that we should all be thinking about how WE can bring about change. Here are some great ways to take action today:

  • Contact Your Representatives – Tell them how you feel about gun-laws in your state. Demand action from them. Tell them what you think! They work for you!
  • Donate – Charities like the Sandy Hook Promise exist everywhere. There are so many grassroots nonprofits working toward protecting people in their schools, homes, and communities from gun violence. Give what you can!
  • Walk the Walk – At the end of the day, keeping yourself informed and involved is the most important part. The Prevention Institute has some really amazing information and guides on how gun safety can be implemented in all types of lifestyle!

This week’s recap has a couple of heavy hitters. I want to hear what’s been on your mind too. Connect with me on any socials to tell me what you’ve been thinking about!

I Got a Deep Tissue Massage for Pain. Here’s How It Went:

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Sometimes, I feel like I’m an old woman in a mid-twenty body. The amount of muscle aches and joint cracks that I have throughout the day just doesn’t seem right. Years of sports, dancing, and studying with poor posture makes the chiropractor a must for me. Recently, though, I got a deep tissue massage to see if my pain would go away! Here’s how it went:

The Location I Chose

One thing that’s good about adulthood: you get gifts that actually make sense in your life. For Christmas, I now ask for upgraded kitchen appliances or linen rather than iTunes gift cards & bedazzled yoga pants I was asking for before

My parents loaded a hefty sum onto a gift card for me for my birthday to a local spa so I had to treat myself. It’s something I would never spend my actual money on, but desperately needed. Go to a spa with great reviews and make sure the massage therapist also have raving reviews! I went to Bellasazi in Janesville, WI and love it there! (Not sponsored, by the way – just a happy customer!)

The Process

First and foremost, I want to reiterate that my joints, muscles, and ligaments are effed up. One job, I sit at a desk or pose for photos and the other one I’m upright on a cement floor for 8 hours at a time. Neither really mend themselves to great musco-skelatal health. So, when the paperwork said to disclose every single time you were uncomfortable, I knew that I had to listen to my body. I knew that getting deep knots out of my shoulders wouldn’t feel like a feather. There were parts that were a little uncomfortable.

However, the massage therapist I saw was great at asking questions before we started, during, and even after the appointment. If something starts to actually hurt, don’t be afraid to make that known. Their job is to make you feel relaxed and rejuvenated. Unfortunately, they can’t read your mind – so it’s your job to speak up when something isn’t feeling too good!

That Being Said…

I have a lot of anxiety when it comes to speaking up at professional salons, clinics, and spas. I often gaslight myself into thinking that I’m making up pain or invalidate the uncomfortability I’m feeling in my stomach. So, I get not wanting to verbalize those feelings in that space. My advice: write down the specifics on your intake paperwork! If they don’t have paperwork, really consider if this is the place for you!

The Aftermath

I’ve only gotten a couple massages in my short life. Not because I don’t want to get them all the time, but because I’m bad at scheduling things JUST for me! In my life, self care usually comes in small doses. A massage feels like a big, luxurious dedication of time that I don’t often feel like I have. I definitely do have the time. It exists. I just have to make it a priority!

My selfie from right after the massage. Notice the headrest line on my forehead? LOL!

In the days following my massage, I felt a little bit of soreness in my upper body. It almost felt like something had been released and those muscles were still setting into place – like when you take trips to the chiropractor! Also, the places where we really had to focus on knots were obviously tender, but nothing too crazy! My massage therapist prepared me for these things. I was told to:

  • – drink lots of water
  • – stretch (roll my head and my shoulders before bed)
  • – focus on my posture at work for the next couple day

My Thoughts

Asking for a massage is always a good idea. That’s not a hot take, that’s just the truth. Most of us are much less likely to spend our money on an experience that benefits us like a massage rather than a bag or shirt – even though they can be so beneficial! It’s definitely worth the time and money to go to a clean, highly rated spa in your area that you trust.

Next time, I won’t wait until after I’ve hit a breaking point when it comes to back pain in hopes that it could be a little more relaxing for me! I will definitely be going again when I get a couple of days off to go and recover for maximum results. Deep tissue massages are the ultimate self care tool. 

Like what you see? Read more blogs here! Connect with me on any socials for daily content and tell me your massage stories!

Not Your Barbie Girl

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Recently, my roommate said something that I absolutely loved. “A lot of people that we look up to as ‘role models’ never asked for that. They were just really good at running, singing, or posting pics… so we decided they had to be role models,” she said. Until now, I didn’t really think about it. Of course, we want to be someone that others can look up to but does that risk our ability to be human, make mistakes, and live the life we want. Even though I put my life online, I’m not your barbie girl with the best answers or choices.

Potty Mouth Barbie

First things first, I’m a total potty mouth. If I feel like a sentence needs “fuck” in it, I will absolutely not be leaving it out. For a long time, I craved for my blog to be almost editorial; ready for a newspaper. I had an editor making grammar calls and changing sentence structure for a more intelligent sounding entry. In those moments, I really lost my voice and what I wanted my blog to feel like.

Editorial, perfected blogs are amazing, but I wanted my blog to feel like you were sitting down with a friend for drinks. I wanted the perfect middle ground between a Myspace post and a newspaper article. Part of that was allowing my writing to match my actual voice and being relatable in that way. So, I stopped censoring swear words and internet slang. I allowed myself to write in the way that I love and knew that the passion behind the words would bring the right audience to my website.

Do I want kids to drop the f-bomb in their papers? No. There’s a time and place for my style of writing (like a website that you own for an LLC that you pay for). Do I want my audience members to take all my words as law because I run a decently popular blog? Nope. I’m just trying to write about my experiences and relate to those who need it. Just let me write and speak, damn.

Party Girl Barbie

I was previously really nervous about posting photos/videos with alcohol in them. Truth is, though, I drink alcohol! I get drunk! Sometimes, I have too much, say stupid things, and stumble home at bar close. Sharing that, however, doesn’t mean I want my followers to drink, do drugs, or party.

I never claimed to be someone for the kids to look up to nor did I want others to see my Instagram photos and want to be me. Instead, I claimed to be someone who was willing to share my experiences with the world in hopes that someone can feel less alone. Obviously I hope that people read my blogs, like my photos, and interact with the content I’m creating, but it’s not the driving factor in my life. I know that my words, actions, and lifestyle do really relate to & entertain some people… it’s not my job to cater to the masses.

This brings up a larger conversation about people being raised, overwhelmingly affected, and easily influenced by those in the media. Sha’Carri Richardson will miss an opportunity to run at the Tokyo Olympics because she tested positive for marijuana. My feelings on those who vilify marijuana use is a story for a different blog. Sha’Carri never asked to be a role model; never claimed to be someone that young runners, women, or black girls should be looking up to. She was a good runner who wanted to go to the Olympics – why did that qualify her to teach the youth of America right from wrong?

Understanding My Responsibility

As someone who does have people following them and giving a shit about what I say, I have an inherent amount of responsibility. It’s my responsibility to be a kind, empathetic, and loving human being. When there are moments of injustice, it’s my responsibility to stand up for what’s right. 

While I might not have asked to be a role model, I understand that people do read my words and can be influenced by my actions. I want to be very, very clear here: I’m human. My social media presence is about confidence in who you are as a person, but it’s not a G-rated movie with a moral to present at the end. My words are for the person who needs the unapologetic & gritty truth about being an adult in the world we live in. It’s about seeing my mistakes and successes so that you can feel empowered to win and fail by yourself.

So, no, I’m not your Barbie girl. For those of you who don’t like that about me – no hard feelings! There are so many awesome content creators out there doing amazing things. Find the right one for you! Those of you who are here for all of this, thank you for your constant and overwhelming support!

Connect with me on my (sometimes NSFW) social media pages below!

If I Had a Redo

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I recently polled my followers to pick a topic for a blog. They seemed to want to know what I would do “If I Had a Redo” – which threw me through a bit of a loop. If you’ve never read EmyD Blog before, I typically like to find purpose in even the worst things. Seriously –  As someone with mental illness, sometimes seeing the silver lining is all that gets you through. That doesn’t mean, however, that I don’t have regrets, moments of embarrassment, and moments that I would change if I had a redo.

My Answer: College

A simple answer for you: college. I’ve thought about that a lot. All the things that I could have done, probably should have done, but didn’t because of the place that I thought should have been. I’m not here to throw shade at a 19 year old, EmyD. She had enough shit going on. I will, however, tell the things that I wish I did. So, if this blog finds itself on the screen of someone else who might have their true self invested all the way into someone else (or something else) they just might have the courage to take it all on solo. 

Redo 1: I would actually stay at college more!

I went to the University of Wisconsin – Madison. It’s about 40 minutes from my hometown. Throughout my freshman year, I had that drive so memorized I could have done it backward and blindfolded. A job in my hometown was my excuse to come home and see my high school boyfriend every weekend. “I needed to make money,” was the excuse I gave my dorm friends, as if we didn’t live in the state capital of Wisconsin and I wasn’t working at a chain restaurant. In actuality, I was just scared that he would forget about me if I was away for too long. 

Advice from EmyD

Take it from me, friends. If your partner forgets about you, they are not a good enough partner to keep around. Also, if you’re feeling insecure in your relationship enough to need it consistently validated, that’s a conversation that needs to be had. If you’re insecure in yourself that you think you can’t find better, that’s a conversation you need to have with you.

Redo 2: I wouldn’t have transferred!

Transferring did save me a ton of money (and probably mental breakdowns) but it was absolutely not a choice I would make again. At first, I would only tell people that I had transferred for the money aspect and because I was going to end up in law school anyways. In truth, I definitely transferred for a boy; for a relationship. We could both tell that our relationship was coming to an end and began to get desperate in our actions to save what we’d had since our freshman year of high school: moving in together, trying to raise a little puppy, and going to the same university. I still have two degrees and did the damn thing, but I wish it would have been at the better school I earned my way into. 

Advice from EmyD

If there’s one thing I want written on my grave, it’s “Do not change your dreams for your partner!” in the boldest font you can find. I’m serious. Having goals and dreams is really cool, someone that cares about you should want to support you to achieve them! Remember that you are NOT half waiting to be completed. You are a whole looking for someone to compliment your whole self! 

Redo 3: I would have broke it off, honey!

I was about halfway through my freshman year when my long term (and long distance) boyfriend cheated on me with a girl in his dorm. Did I swear off men for all eternity? Yes. Did I also take him back like two weeks later? Also, yes. My roommate was pissed. I chalked it up to her not liking me at the time, but now I realize that she was being a really good friend. The few and far between times that I did go out or go to meetings for things I was interested in I met a lot of cool guys that I really would have meshed with well. It almost always led to fights via text with the boyfriend. After our breakup, I started to realize that the only way I would heal my own negative inner dialogue was time alone. If I didn’t think I was worth someone faithful and kind, I would always turn back to him.

Advice from EmyD

At 19, I felt like I had to be as adult as I possibly could. I had to have a serious boyfriend and settle down as fast as possible. While life is short, you’ve gotta experience it. You should not waste a single ounce of your energy begging for someone’s love, attention, or friendship. You are always worthy of kindness. Even being alone is better than someone who doesn’t see that in another person. 

So, would I really redo it?

Yes. I know that reading this blog makes it seem like I hated years 18-22 of my life. That’s not true at all. I had some of the most amazing moments of my life in my college years. I wouldn’t trade them, or the people within them, for anything! However, there are certainly some parts of college that I would redo if I had the chance. There’s lessons that I absolutely had to learn so that 24 year old EmyD could write this for you today. The good, bad, beautiful, and ugly have all played a part in who I am now. 

What would you redo if you had the chance? Tell me on any of the socials below!

A Life Lesson from the Kentucky Derby

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I’ll be honest. I don’t really follow the Kentucky Derby, nor do I really feel the need to gamble on that. I mean, how do we really know the horse just isn’t having a bad mental health day? What if they don’t want to run? Alright, I kid. You guys get the point though. This year, I heard that the winner has a pretty good story for those of us in need of a good life lesson.

The Background of Medina Spirit

Medina Spirit was as underdog as you can get when it comes to a big event like the Kentucky Derby. People will pay a pretty penny for the best bloodline of a horse that offers the best chance at winning the Derby. Media Spirit, however, was bought for only $1,000.00 – that’s cheap even for your everyday family horse!

The trainer that would eventually win with Medina Spirit, Bob Baffert, said the horse had “no fucking chance to win.” In fact, he was even pleasantly surprised that such a small and meager animal had made it to the Derby at all. He got on the horse expecting to beat by another horse in the competition.

My client, Lorraine Beato, just made an awesome post about this – check it out below:

The Win

To everyone’s surprise, the small horse purchased for one thousand dollar started in the lead and maintained it through the finish line. Medina Spirit’s worth became $1.85 million dollars on May 1st, 2021 despite even his trainer’s thoughts. 

So, What’s the Life Lesson Here?

There were a lot of people betting against Medina Spirit – literally. There were millions of dollars put on other horses in the race purely because of the horse’s size, muscle mass, and background. Still, the horse ran. The person they depended on most, their trainer, said they had no chance. Still, the horse ran.

There are going to be times in life where the people that we want validation from the most are our biggest naysayers. We still are going to have to run. People are going to scream hatred because of what our bodies look like, what our minds can do, and what our past has been made up of. Still, we must run.

It’s not for the people in the stands or the trainer. The others who raced against you will want to flex that they know you and your story. Running forward despite the setbacks, however, is for you. It’s to prove that the only person on this entire planet that can really set your worth is you. If you choose to show up as a $1.85 race horse, then the world will know you by literally nothing else.

Short and sweet. What are you going to do to show up and set your worth this week? Connect with my on my socials above!

Don’t Pop My Bubble!

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2021 has been the year of the boundary. Well, it’s been a work in progress, but that’s the overarching goal of this year. Last year, everyone was put through the ringer when the world practically stopped turning overnight. Everyone is still wading into “real life” that it’s hard to have goals, be productive, and set healthy boundaries. I’m really moving forward with the mindset that I have a bubble that should never be popped – not for friends, followers, or family. Allowing myself to have boundaries that keep me comfortable and aware of my own mental health is necessary to be the best possible version of myself that I want to present to myself. So, whatever you do, don’t pop my bubble!

Healthy Boundaries at Work

As most of you know, I’m my own boss. It comes with a huge pile of advantages, but also has some disadvantages that go hand-in-hand. For a person who’s a little fixated on control and success, like me, working from home can be really toxic. I’ve been known to wake up and do a couple hours of work in the middle of the night. I can’t get myself to sleep without feeling more productive when my head hits the pillow.

This year, I’ve started to set some boundaries when it comes to working. For one, I’ve stopped lowballing myself, my experience, and my time. I was creating contracts for people for a couple hundred dollars a month that would go for thousands if I was at a private PR agency. Stepping away from corporate life was my choice, but it doesn’t mean that my experience or education level is different from my counterparts!

I started to charge closer to an industry average. When it gets to be too late, I’m only on social media of my own for pleasure, rather than work. Physically, I outlined what I do (or what I expect to do for work) so that I had an extremely clear answer when someone approached me for work. All of my contracts were rewritten and rephrased to have more boundaries like: times in which I can be available, hours I’ll work, and other contingencies I just didn’t have.

When I Didn’t Fit, I Left!

My clients were all really receptive and appreciative of these boundaries. Not only did they benefit me, but they clearly defined my role in their business as well. Prior to this year, I was so concerned about making my business a success that I would stay in contracts that might not have fit what I envisioned my role being with EmyD. After creating these boundaries, I fulfilled contracts and then professionally stepped away when I felt that I wasn’t a good fit for the position, rather than forcing myself into the position!

Healthy Boundaries Online

I’ve written a blog about sharing online already. You’ll definitely come across some bloggers that find a lot of comfort in sharing their story online and hitting publish (like me!) You’ll also, however, find bloggers who don’t produce a lot of super personal content. Is either one better? Absolutely not. Blogs fulfill the needs of those writing them and those reading them, so what’s your cup of tea might not be mine! 

This year, I’ve realized the need for even more boundaries online as my following grows and more blogs are written. I’ve had followers find my personal number and send me sexually explicit images and texts. I’ve had people call me just to “talk”. It’s made me feel unsafe and a little icky. Though most people are very receptive when I express this, I have to constantly emphasize that though I may speak about mental health, it’s not healthy for me to take others’ mental health issues onto myself. I’ve had to clearly draw the line between “influencer” and my real life. Without it, I felt like I was living just to take photos and share them with people I didn’t know. Life was starting to feel catered to social media, which I never want to happen.

Healthy Boundaries with Loved Ones

You all know I’m an empath through and through. Breathing a little differently in my presence could cause me to ask you what’s wrong…even if nothing is. This is also thanks to a little friend I call anxiety, which makes me rethink the words and actions I have for what feels like forever. The lack of boundaries when it came to loved ones was starting to drive me a little crazy though. 

This year, I’ve been really trying to only spend my time and energy on what makes me feel good. That includes the people in my life. For so long, I was terrified of being alone and friendless that I wouldn’t speak up if I felt mistreated or upset. Recently, I’ve realized that I would rather be completely alone than feel upset in a group.

Being social doesn’t just happen everyday for me. Listening to my body and mind about whether I actually WANT to get on the Zoom or go to drinks has been life changing. It’s made me feel a lot more autonomy over my body. Also, when I do see my loved ones, its really really great because I feel good about being there!

Mindset to Help with This

Creating a bubble between you and the people you love is difficult! But, in order for you to be a great friend, sibling, boss, coworker, or whatever else you are, you need to advocate for yourself! One mindset that has really been getting me through is “If someone is mad at me or upset with me, it’s none of my business until they tell me”. It’s one of the first things you learn in Jen Sincero’s “You Are a Badass”!

It’s much easier said than actually implemented. Those of us with anxiety, however, it can really benefit making boundaries and sticking to them when it comes to advocating for yourself! If someone is unwilling to address a problem with you and validate your boundaries, why would you spend any amount of time thinking about it?! Remember, though, the same goes for your loved ones from you! If you’re unwilling to advocate for your boundaries or speak up about your problems, don’t expect them to spend anytime thinking about it!

The Takeaway

Boundaries are really really cool. As a society, we’ve started to think that social media, television, or gossip is the all-access pass into someone else’s life. At the end of the day, though, we all deserve to feel safe and calm in our own thoughts. Take it from someone who has told the whole Internet what her mental health chart says. Allowing yourself a healthy space so that you can feel autonomy, comfort, safety is essential. Boundaries make you a better person all around and much more empathetic when people are in need of you! So, I’ll say it again, don’t pop my bubble!

Trying to set boundaries? I want to hear about them! Connect with me on any of my socials!

Sunlight’s Effects on Mental Health

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The sun has been shining in Wisconsin for the last week or so and I have been in a really good mood. Not only that, but I’ve been full of energy, ready to work, and productive when I’m awake! There is snow still piled up outside and it hasn’t passed the 40 degree Farenheit mark, but it feels more like July than February over here! I started to wonder why this part of the year makes an annual dramatic shift in my day to day life. Clearly, the sunshine helps a lot, but what are the benefits of sunlight on mental health?

Not Sunlight, Actually Vitamin D

Though sunlight feels really good on your face after a long winter and brings out those cute freckles, it’s not actually sunlight doing all the hard work. It’s Vitamin D! It’s fairly common to have a slight Vitamin D deficiency. According to Healthline, nearly 42% of adults aren’t getting the right amount of Vitamin D. These small deficiencies can lead to depression, lack of sleep, and issues with eating. Big deficiencies can actually end up causing larger skeletal problems and mineralization in your bones.

I’ve been taking a Vitamin D supplement for some time at the advice of my doctor. But, why is this one vitamin so powerful? What does it do for mental health overall?

Vitamin D and Depression

There’s a huge correlation between vitamin D levels and people reporting they feel depressed. Those diagnosed with depression are more likely to be within the 42% of people who have an ongoing deficiency. Also, the receptors that intake all the Vitamin D are biologically in the same place as those that we study for depression. Coincidence? I think not!

Sunlight and Our Everyday Life

In general, sunlight dictates a lot of our routines and rhythms. If you’re in a place where days get shorter/colder during some parts of the year, you know how weird your routine can get with even the smallest of changes. It’s easier to get up when it’s light outside. It’s easier to get long, restful sleep when it’s dark outside – simple as that!!

To recap: Sunlight encourages a normal sleeping pattern which encourages a normal routine! If you haven’t allowed a self help podcast, blog, or book to infiltrate your brain yet, one of the first things they’ll recommend is establishing a routine that you feel confident in to be productive. In most people, increased hours of sunlight usually means an increase in productivity throughout their day. 

The Takeaway

I like to leave you guys with something to take away from the blogs. It might be something new that you didn’t know, maybe it’s a tidbit of information that makes you approach the world differently, or maybe it’s just a little something to make you smile!

As I finish this blog up, it’s rainy and dark outside. The opposite of everything I’ve been talking about in these last few paragraphs. In 2021, I hope that I soak up the sunshine – not just physically, but I soak up the serotonin that it feeds my brain. After a year of what felt like endless rain, we can all remember that sunlight is possible. We can look for the sun’s effects on our mental health every single day!

How is the weather making you feel? Tell me at any of my socials below!

** This post may contain affiliate links, which means I may receive a small commission, at no cost to you, if you make a purchase through one of the links!**

The Face of Agoraphobia

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Before actually getting a diagnosis, I wasn’t really aware of what agoraphobia meant. It seemed like people who avoided leaving the house were like the brother in The Benchwarmers – not people like me. It was even harder to verbalize the panic that I felt outside the comfortability of my bedroom. I was diagnosed with agoraphobia at 19. This is the face of agoraphobia.

About Agoraphobia

Agoraphobia is characterized as an anxiety disorder in which one fears locations or places that might induce panic or anxiety. For those with social anxiety, this is A LOT of places and can quickly spiral into something that’s difficult to cope with. Rather than feeling the stress when you’ve entered the place, you actually begin to get anxiety anticipating the location. 

Usually, you feel this anxiety because you’re aware that there’s no “out”. For example, people might feel symptoms of agoraphobia before going on a bus, train, or subway. There’s no easy way to get off and out of those situations.

Agoraphobia in My Life

I started to notice the symptoms of agoraphobia as a college student. I was walking into these huge lectures and being overwhelmed instantly. Worry about a power lecture would start the night before, rather than when I was planted in the seat. That’s a LOT of worrying about one 75 minute class. What if I had a panic attack in the middle of a row of lecture chairs? What if I missed something that was on the exam because I was trying to breathe in the bathroom?

To me, leaving the house was just a chore that I didn’t want to have to deal with. I’ve always been a homebody – but this was on a next level. At 19, the diagnosis of agoraphobia was officially added to my chart. It made sense; a lot of sense.

Treatment of Agoraphobia

Treating agoraphobia is similar to the treatment that one goes through for anxiety. You can be prescribed medication, like I was, that takes some of the edge off of entering those anxiety-inducing locations. You can go through therapy, also like me, to try and restructure your thought process surrounding these stressful moments.

In my life, treatment of my agoraphobia went hand and hand with that of my anxiety. It’s fairly common for those with panic disorder to suffer from symptoms of agoraphobia. Truthfully, I feared attending class, going out, and just leaving the house in general. I guess I really just feared having a panic attack in public. 

My Life Today

As I’m writing this, I no longer have agoraphobia on my medical chart. It was absolutely not something I just woke up without. There were a lot of therapy appointments, uncomfortable desensitization, and  I still have moments where I experience a lot of anxiety prior to certain events. There are other locations that trigger anxiety within me. It’s been really important to learn coping mechanisms and self-imposed boundaries for the most comfortable living. 

For the most part, though, I don’t worry about working a shift before I have to go work it. Like everyone else, I dread going to the grocery store because it’s lame; not because I’m scared of not having an out. Since most of my panic has subsided, I’ve seen a huge decrease in my agoraphobia symptoms as well. 

If you are feeling overwhelmed by places outside of your room, home, or comfort spot, PLEASE reach out to a professional. There are so many options and treatments that can be used to combat those feelings. You should never feel like the world is smaller for you because of your mental illness, but if you do right now, you’re absolutely not alone. My name is Emily and I was diagnosed with agoraphobia. This is the face of agoraphobia. 

What are your thoughts? Link up with me on any of the socials below!

Seven Things to be Thankful for in 2020

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It’s weird to think that this year is going to be in the textbooks’ of the next generation. There’s so many things that went horribly wrong, that it’s hard to list the things that are actually going right. We all had to adjust to a different way of living, loving, and learning. Hopefully, the vaccine makes things go a little back to normal. It’s important to list the things that we feel thankful for and really hold onto them in a bad season. Here are seven things to be thankful for in 2020.

1. Dogs, Always Dogs

I already posted on my Instagram that I am so so so thankful for the dogs in my life. My roommate rescued Matilda Mae, who we call Tildy, in the end of September. Not only has she made one of my best friends so happy, but she’s made our apartment feel more like a home. My family dog, Cooper, hasn’t been feeling the best and it’s made me realize just how grateful I am to have had to guard my food from him for all these years. Nala, my personal shadow, has been the emotional support I desperately needed more times than once. Dogs literally love us more than we will ever love ourselves. For that, I’m pretty damn thankful.

  • Shelby’s sweet Matilda girl
  • Nala, Sullivan, Cooper, and I
  • Nala had to get shaved in quarantine… so she had some funny ears for a while.

2. Brands that Align Themselves with My Clients and I

This one is not as relatable, but it’s something that I’m thankful for! Not only have I been able to stop working my day job, I’ve been able to help other influencers do the same. We’ve been able to find brands that make us feel all warm and fuzzy. They are brands that we actually want to post about and it’s things we really believe in. More importantly, the really great brands see us as valuable resources and treat us accordingly!

I’m very thankful that my writing on my WordPress page has turned into something that can sustain me. Scribbling the most emotional things of all time in a journal has prepared me to make a living and change other’s days by sharing!

3. Heating pack (Just me?)

This one is a little materialistic, but I’d like to have a specific shoutout to heating pads. I’ve made a lot of purchases in quarantine – a lot. One of my favorites has been a heating pad that wraps all the way around my back. 

Have a stomach ache? Heating pad. Does your back feel like it’s cracking in half, like mine? Heating pad. Menstrual pain? Heating pad. We were given the magic bullet of pain relief and I’d just like to say that I’m thankful for that. 

4. Our Ability to Change

Listen, I’m not going to lie here, sometimes this is not so good. There are things in 2020 have have been handled terribly. It’s pretty cool, though, just how fast restaurants, hospitals, and other businesses were able to transition to life within a pandemic. 

These days, we have contactless delivery. Drive-up options at department stores as going to be utilized for those who need them even after the vaccine is administered. There are people who are going to be able to work from home forever, and live wherever they want, all while doing their dream job! One of my clients is a real estate agent. She shared with me that up to 23 million Americans are moving as a result of being able to do work from home! 

Call it what it is – this year was really shitty. In the midst of all that, it’s important to remember that even when the world did come to a screeching halt… it really didn’t. 

5. Our Health

I know that I’m one of the lucky ones that gets to say this. At this point, more than a quarter of a million lives have been taken because of COVID-19. So many people have lost loved ones and millions will have complications due to their battle with coronavirus for years to come. If there’s one thing that 2020 taught us to be thankful for it’s good health. 

When you wake up in the morning and can take a deep breath or you can get restful sleep, that’s something to be thankful for. We can think back to all the times that  we could be blissfully ignorant about the germs we picked up in public places because we didn’t have the constant reminder of a mask on our face. 2020 has taught us that being healthy is never something to take for granted as you never know when you won’t be!

6. Actual Self Care

I started off the year being able to put my problems on the backburner. When I got overwhelmed, I could go to the bars with my friends. When I felt inadequate, I could pick up some more shifts at work. In other words, it was a lot more convenient to deal with the easier stuff. 

2020 made us face the hard stuff head on. It forced us too. When I felt negative feelings, I couldn’t just run to the bar and forget all about it. It was much harder to separate those feelings from the realities of quarantine. 2020 made us value self care so much more. Now, we know that we can spend time alone – for months – and still prevail. We can be thankful to 2020 for helping us fall in love with alone time a little bit more again.

7. The Autonomy of Being Social

With that being said, it’s been a big lesson to us homebodies and introverts too. For the most part, I don’t feel a ton of FOMO about the bars. However, everything that has happened has made me thankful for plans that I can have, the people I am able to see, and the social time I have.

Am I crying every night in boredom? Honestly, no. This has finally validated my love for staying in and watching Netflix. It makes me thankful for the times when I have autonomy to make those decisions though

2020 Kind of Sucked

There are a lot of things to come out of this year, though, that remind us how resilient we are in the face of dark days. If anything, this year showed us just how good we are adjusting when we need to. It’s made us want to do better in 2021. Which we will.

What are your thoughts as we wrap up 2020? Connect with me on any of my socials below!