Slowly but Surely, You’re On Your Way

The last month or so has been utter chaos. Some days, I’ve been thriving in it. Others, all I’ve wanted to do is shut down. No one likes that icky feeling of having too much to do and not enough time to do it. In moments when time does not seem to be on my side, I think of what my used to say when I was pressuring her about getting me to school faster in the busy morning hours of middle and high school.

Imagine this 8th grade face trying to hustle you drive them to school every morning. God bless my mother, for real. She’s a saint.

“Emily, the car is currently moving forward. I’m in the process of getting you there. I can only go the speed limit & I have to stop at all the stop signs. You will get there. I promise.”

In those moments, it pissed me off. Usually being late was my fault because I still sleep to the last possible minute of time. Honestly, that’s still why I’m late to this day. About ten years later, though, my mom’s words mean something a little different.

Time isn’t always on our side. Sometimes, we’re expected to do 100000000 things in time that doesn’t even seem like enough to breathe or think. It happens in our workplace, at home, and at school. When you have a hard time saying no, this problem only gets worse. Not only do you have all the responsibilities that come with just being you, but then you’ve added on some new ones that you resentfully said yes to completing.

Lately, I’ve been trying to get used to a new place and new schedule in which a big portion of my time isn’t taken up by school. In a perfect world, I should be able to deal with chaos MORE gracefully than before. I mean, I have the time and the energy that I could turn my focus to it. Without a set schedule or syllabus to keep me in line, I’m feeling a lot of chaos that I wasn’t necessarily prepared for in entering this chapter of my life.

In my head, I thought I’d have all this time to plan out the blog, social media posts, and the podcasts. Since I’m not dragging around a backpack full of textbooks on public policy or astrology, I thought I’d have the opportunity to really lazer in on what I love without a second thought. Let me just tell you, it DOES need a second thought. All this time is amazing, but it’s easy to get sucked into like an addict and a substance. If you walk into the chapter thinking that all you have to do is sleep and work, all you’re going to get done is sleep and work – seems natural, right? There’s no shame in sleeping and working – you do you, boo boo. But, if you think that because the time is there, it’s going to automatically allocated to the new side hustle, hobby, or interest without a little bit of refocusing or recentering…. that’s just not realistic in my world.

I’ve realized this is kind of the same with friendships too. When I was in school, I was seeing the people I loved as much as possible but had these legitimate things in the way from me seeing them all the time – homework, quizzes, exams, whatever. I thought when I moved closer & didn’t have any of those things, I would see them everyday without any added effort.

Truth is, sometimes you have to kind of refocus your social life too! Like, if you want to see your friends more or want the invite to the bars & that wasn’t your scene in a previous chapter, you’re able to make it your scene now!

I had this big assumption that I would move and I would automatically fall into the perfect schedule for a new business and a full-time job and a more involved social life. I assumed that that would require little to no work from me. I was way wrong & it just kind of caused chaos that was hard for me to wade through and understand for a while.

Like my mom said, though, we are on our way. The car is moving forward. We might have to come to complete stops in understanding what’s holding us back or dealing with some trigger, but you are still in the car on the way to where you’re supposed to be. You also can’t drive way above the speed limit. Sometimes, we’re so obsessed with speed through life to get to a certain checkpoint, that we take the roads that we’re traveling in ways that aren’t safe or effective to us. It just causes more chaos.

We are all moving forward. We are on our way and we can’t just jump through this journey. So it might be bumpy or smooth, but dammit, you’re on your way.

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OMG Just Journal About It

Sometimes I have a hard time thinking of a blog that is worthwhile to type. Is this going to relate to anyone else? Is someone going to read this and feel something? I mean, how stupid is it that I get self conscious about a BLOG?! For fuck’s sake, if you didn’t want to read it, you wouldn’t. Sure, I love when people tell me that my words matter, but writing is something I started doing for myself. It’s something that I felt so drawn to do because I could eloquently say what I was feeling without crying. For a long time, though, I wasn’t blasting the closet doors open to share all my skeletons with the world. Honestly, I wasn’t even using technology to write these words down.

I thought that journals were like the hipster’s way of saying a diary. It annoyed me to even think of the prospect of only talking about a crush in the words of a notebook for someone to find and tell the whole school about. I didn’t realize that diaries, journals, notebooks, whatever are much more than just spilling your butterfly-filled crushes. For me, at least, the pages of my journal are bright and chipper, then dark. They directly resemble my mood without the filter of society or social norms – it is truly the only place that I can be myself without worry of judgement.

I very rarely go back in my journal. 1) The words that I wrote in one day are just that – one day. They don’t need to play a part in how I act today or tomorrow. 2) I vent in my journal, like a lot. It might make me repissed at someone or even myself if I go back and read.

The only times that I have gone back are to count the number of bullshit ass entries that I had about my ex. In moments where I didn’t really know what to do, whether to tear the walls down and let him in or keep myself safe, I would go back and see just how much hurt he was causing me in those moments of self reflection. That day, I realized that he was the only thing that I was talking about in my journal… he was taking up all of my thoughts and worries. So much so, that things I should have been analyzing and decompressing just weren’t happening.

Any mental health professional will tell you that journaling is a good key into the complex maze that is your mind. What they don’t tell you, though, journaling can be the the light that leads you through that maze. When everything seems a little hazy, letting your mind just kind of write can give you a lot of clarity.

My trusty little journal. I’ve filled a couple in my years. It’s dirty, some pages are ripped, but I bring it almost everywhere on the off change that I just need to get the words onto the page.

People journal for different reasons. One of the online mentors that I look up to a lot chooses to do her journal in the morning because it feels as though she’s setting intentions for the day. She feels the most clarity and analytical with her thoughts right after she wakes up. Some people, want to wrap up their day with a journal entry. To them, it feels like a good way to actually chew and digest all of the parts of the day. I’m gonna be real with you guys – I have a very specific mood I need to be in to successfully journal and get something out of it. I have had so many of those rambling entries where I’m talking about shit that doesn’t matter because I forced myself to write one page about the day. In every day, there’s a moment where I feel the capacity to get really analytical or I’m motivated to get some brain juices flowing – THAT’S my time.

I try to be a role model in all that I do. When I fail, I try to share that failure with the world, normalize it, and start again unaltered. If there’s one thing that I would tell ANYONE struggling to do, it’s write it down. Seriously, you’ll be so surprised what you can learn about yourself and your mental state by letting your mind just kind of go. If you’re not into long journal entries that dissect all the parts of your day, write one word. One word to describe your day. It’s so helpful to have something tangible to remember how your really felt in a moment. Therapists/Counselors will do an intake with any new clients where they ask questions like “Out of the last month, how many times have you felt sad, down, or depressed?” ENTER JOURNAL!!!

As human beings, we remember these big moments in our lives and the feelings that revolved around them. When you’re trying to recall how you felt in a specific day, you’ll probably take a tally of all the things that happened and judge it on those events. Truth is, that’s not how you felt about the whole day and things that affected your mood or psyche in that day might not even be on your radar anymore – but are important to analyze and realize about yourself!

So, don’t be scared to write it down. Vent about it to the lines of a journal or safe space. Type. I don’t care. But, don’t feel like you have to keep that stuff inside you. Maybe your thoughts aren’t exactly pretty or nice, but getting them out in the world (in a way that they can’t hurt others) is the best way to forgive, heal, and start to move on. I promise!

Do YOU have a journal? Do you do a mood tracker? If not, is there something stopping you from writing down your thoughts for a quick minute? Or, do you even feel like you need it? Share your thoughts with me @EmyDBlog on Insta, Twitter, and FB. I’d looooove to chat about it! You can also have a one-on-one email conversation with me by emailing!