My Abortion Story

*TW: Sexual assault, domestic abuse, pregnancy, abortion

I’ve struggled to write this blog for years. Little blurbs that I want to make sure are included are sloppily typed in the Notes app, scribbled on scratch paper littering my office, and spoken into voice memos from random days. For so long, I didn’t know how to turn some of the worst moments of my life into something that would actually benefit someone. All the emotions and thoughts bouncing around my head were difficult to streamline into anything productive.

I have struggled with the implications putting this on the internet might have on me, my relationships, or my future. To not share my story, however, would mean that I wasn’t fully getting all the purpose from my pain. Today, on a day that sets our country back 50+ years, the words seem to sew themselves together pretty easily. It’s actually been somewhat easy to type the words I’ve been struggling with for so long: I had an abortion.

Setting Some Things Straight

Here on the blog, I share a lot of things that someone else might consider a “skeleton in the closet.” From the gruesome details of chronic pain to the lowest of my mental health lows, I have never felt ashamed in being honest about where I’ve come from. This is not an exception to that.

It has been a long time coming, but The Supreme Court’s direct attack on women’s rights makes this essential now. The face of abortion is not a bunch of high-school aged girls using it as a form of birth control or women making the “selfish” choice to live without the stress of a child. It’s mothers who are experiencing liver failure and risking her life. There’s women of all ages who simply cannot afford to have a baby or give a child any sort of quality life. It’s young girls and women that are victims of sexual abuse.

There’s wealthy women, incarcerated women, victims, unemployed women, wives, daughters, sick women, and so many more of us in between. One of the only things that we have in common is that we had to make decision that no one wants to make and now, we have to be synonymous with murderers because of it.

My Abortion Story

The Background

There’s a long, long story leading up to my abortion. Some of the details, however, aren’t helpful toward the goal of this blog. They’re wounds that I’ve exhaustively talked about with therapists and medical professionals on more than one occasion, but that have started to heal. So, I’ll give you the details that are important to the story while still guarding my heart a little.

The foundational information to this story is this: I got pregnant at 20 years old with an ex. The promise of “getting back together” left me really naive to the problems that we’d broken up over in the first place.  I was still blind to all the instances of narcissistic abuse within my relationship. I’ve spoken about my experience with a partner displaying narcissistic tendencies, but I’ll never be able to really describe the day in and day outs of those days.

I saw what so many people beg to see, but felt nothing but pain, confusion, and darkness. One day, I will share this amazing, happy moment with a partner who’s equally as happy, rather than one that tells you all the reasons you can’t do it.

To say that I was innocent wouldn’t be truthful. As I’ve said before, I acted horrible in moments of hurt and pain. There were absolutely moments where I was adding toxicity to an already volatile relationship. And, as people are quick to point out, I do know what a consequence of sex is. Just as I answered when seeking an abortion, I was not convinced, blackmailed, or coerced into my decision. I would still make the same decision over again today if 50 years of women’s rights weren’t just stripped from me, that is.

The Reason

I don’t feel I need to give anyone a reason as to why I didn’t want to have a child at 20 years old. I definitely don’t feel like I have to prove instances of abuse within my relationship to be validated in that difficult choice. It was my body, my life, and my future that were affected in that moment.

Coming to the decision that I would choose abortion was the hardest thing that I’ve ever done. It was harder than dealing with the endometriosis pain since I started my period, losing 11 pounds because I couldn’t keep anything down while pregnant, or even having the actual abortion.

Obviously, there are so many horrible moments that lead up to this decision. I don’t want to give those moments life with a blog. The reason for my abortion doesn’t matter; sharing my story and putting a different face to something so stigmatized does. I’m sharing my story in hopes that it finds a woman that needs it. I just really hope that she knows that she doesn’t need a “good reason” to make a decision about her own uterus.

The Abortion: First Appointment

My first trip to the clinic was traumatic. My partner was not able to be there for some reason or another. So, my mom held my hand and soothed me as I walked into an appointment that would change my life.

Planned Parenthood of Wisconsin literally saved my life. They were paramount in getting me safe care, even though they were restricted by our state’s laws. They also helped me to get another form of birth control that has worked for me for years.

People approached our car and yelled to me about “all the other options”. There were other options, but none that would work for me. My decision had been made. Throughout the first appointment, the staff always had disclaimers about what they were able to do and say per Wisconsin State Law. They were obligated to use the word “baby” and made sure that I saw the ultrasound. That staff was forced by State Law to make this as unappealing as possible in hopes that the gravity of the decision would change my mind.

That gravity had been weighing on me since my first pregnancy test. The weight of which was making me very physically ill. I was anemic, dehydrated, and losing weight rapidly. The doctor prescribed some anti nausea medicine so that I could actually get my body some nutrients.  Then, I was sent home. Wisconsin had a 48-hour minimum waiting period between the initial appointment and procedure. I think it was in hopes that I would change my mind. I didn’t. Don’t worry though, I could have immediately gotten a gun if I wanted it.

The Abortion: Second Appointment

My partner begrudgingly agreed to attend the actual procedure with me. Looking back, one of my parents would have been a better option as you can only have one guest. He had somewhere to be (which I later found out was someone to see) and let me know before we walked in. “This needs to be done by one. I have class,” he had said.

Because of my anxiety and depression, the clinic-appointment counselor had suggested the suction abortion method. It was one where ending my pregnancy was completely done by a doctor that day. No pills that my anxiety would probably cause me to throw up.

I was given 600 mg of ibuprofen and something to avoid infection as preparation. As I laid there, I gripped the hand of a stranger. No guests were allowed in treatment rooms or the recovery area. She asked me about shows I was watching on Netflix. It was a stupid conversation, but it kept the focus off the pain. I watched as the bedpan was taken away and only half listened as the doctor described what she had done to my body. My life had just completely changed in the presence of two strangers. It was overwhelming to say the least.

The recovery room was lonely, sterile, and distant. No guests are allowed to hold your hand or decompress with you per Wisconsin State Law. You spend the first moments after a terrible moment of your life with a juice, thick maxi-pad, and microwavable heating pad.

The Aftermath

My recovery was uncomfortable to say the very least. As someone that was very much struggling in my journey with endometriosis (another reason that motivated my abortion decision), my recovery was unique. When professionally done, the rate of complications only hover at about 1%. I was given a lot of grace from my family, friends, and workplace to recover at my own pace – a privilege very few women who seek abortions have.

My ex and I went no contact a year later after a particularly heated argument. From then on, my abortion has never been used against me. His exit from my life and an extensive therapy schedule was the start of my mental recovery.  The days that I thought about it started to get fewer. Tears shed less frequently and in smaller waves. As with most past traumas, there are days that are harder than others. There is a lot more guarding of my heart now. Today, however, there are long periods of time where it won’t cross my mind even once.

I’m easily able to say that I made the right call. If I had to go back, I’d do it again. My story was just that: MY story. The more that I dealt with the recovery and trauma, I was able to truly understand that it had nothing to do with anyone else. On that day, I made the absolute best decision for me, my future, my mental health, my finances, my physical health, and my life for the ONLY person that would have to live through it all…me.

What Hitting Post Means

As I type this, I’m not sure what will come of hitting Post. I’m not sure what relationships in my life will change or how differently people will think of me. It could lose followers or supporters of my business. At the end of the day, though, I’ve felt my emotions about this skeleton. I’ve cried, screamed, and said worse things to myself than any stranger on the internet can say.

I’ve realized that hitting the Post button will not change my value to those that matter in my life. Hitting Post is something that I’ve felt I needed to do for so long. Now, more than ever, as our country steps into the scariest parts of our past. You are not alone and I will not stop fighting for us.

My Abortion in Perspective

My abortion story is one of so much privilege. I was able to seek safe abortion care in a clean facility. Nearly, 45% percent of women already have unsafe abortions due to lack of access. I had a support system for my mental and physical recovery. In the grand scheme, however, maternal deaths are increasing as the stigma of abortion care changes legislation. Overturning Roe vs. Wade is a direct attack on millions of women. They are women with so many different contexts and needs.

Restricting access to abortion care isn’t about protecting the lives of the unborn. The “Pro-Life” movement never cared about my life or the lives of women who are currently in my position. It’s about having power and control over lives that we then aren’t responsible for living. After all, Pro-Life certainly doesn’t mean pro-women lives or pro-quality of life. 

I’m furious. I hope you are too. If you or someone you know can relate to this in some way, reach out. I am one of millions of people in this country that are by your side. Connect with me at any of the socials below. Fight with me here: abortionfund.org

My Take: March for Life

I know that not all my followers are going to agree with me here. I know that not even all my friends agree with me. It’s controversial – I’m not really sure why sexuality or reproductive rights fall under that hush-hush category, but here we are.

My hot take: Abortion is health care.

Listen, I’m so for collective, social action. The people that are in office are working FOR us. Our votes got them into their seats and their votes should therefore reflect those Americans. I’m gonna say it, though, I think March for Life is grasping.

I read a lot of news through the explore page on Twitter. It pissed me off to see captions that read “We are the generation for life.” I think that you’d have to be a literal psychopath to not want happy, healthy life for Americans.

Before we move forward, I should just make sure that I say that I consider myself VERY much pro-choice. I absolutely don’t want more women to get abortions because the circumstances that lead them to make that decision are just awful. So, fighting for that right does not mean that I want more women to do it. What it means, is that the choices about my body, my future, and whether or not I’m ready for a family will be made by me. At risk of sounding a little cold, Karen from Montana’s choices about reproduction do not affect me at all….. so who the fuck am I to stop her from doing what she feels is right? So, pro-choice is just that. If abortion goes against your morals or your religion, don’t get one. If you know in your bones that it’s the right decision to make based on the circumstances that got you there, you should have that right.

March for Life isn’t even about life, though. I mean, that’s a generalization, but if you talk to anyone that is fiercely “pro-life” they’ll start arguing that there are other options. “You’re old enough to have sex, you should be old enough to deal with the consequences.” and “What about the adoption?” Those would be really valid arguments, if any government money was then being allocated to social programs to help children in need or the foster care system? You can’t force women to have children when they would have chosen abortion and call that a “solution”, when the problem is that the needs of the child can’t be met for the next 18 years.

So, “pro-life” shouldn’t even be what that side is called. It’s pro-birth. You don’t want increase tax money that can go to resources to help these mothers in need. You don’t give a fuck that the foster system is one of the most broken institutions in our country. You want a woman to carry a sack of cells to full term just for the purpose of birth. I will add, the woman’s life is also a life, right? Or, does it only count as a life when it’s in someone’s uterus? If you’re going to state that you’re fighting for life, it’s gotta be for all lives involved!

I will clarify for some people who are ready to tear me apart in a comment or tweet. A) This is my singular opinion. It’s a personal blog. Chill. B) Of course, life has context that should be considered! Like do I think that they should allow a woman to get an abortion at 39 weeks pregnant? No. Like all rights and freedoms that we have in this country, there is reasonable and rational guidelines. For example, you have all the free speech you want until you start saying racial slurs in a mall, then your ass is going to jail.

The most important decorations at the bar! Planned Parenthood has a ton of cool mass mobilization initiatives & ways to get involved @PPact on Twitter!

I’m not even going to get into the broken record that is “What about women who are raped or victims of incest?” In my mind, all reasonable people are empathetic enough to understand that a woman should not be forced into motherhood as she was forced into a sexual encounter. So, I’m not even going to use that argument to backup my argument.

What I will say, is that 77% of Americans do NOT want to overturn Roe v. Wade, according to NPR and PBSNews. That’s a pretty hefty majority. So yes, there are thousands of people at this march – but there have been millions of people who’ve marched for women’s rights since the 1920s’. Honestly, I know that I’m on the right side of history here, but there was, at one point, a group of people that thought women voting was morally wrong as well. That is definitely comparing apples to oranges, but historical context – wins and losses from both sides – are so important in making these policy changes.

Overturning Roe v. Wade might make you sleep better at night or that a group is a bunch of murderers. It doesn’t stop abortions though. It opens the flood gates of unsafe, unclean, or at-home abortions that woman will see as a last resort. Which puts the life of the mother in danger and still terminates a pregnancy like this movement doesn’t want? I guess, I’m just confused…

If you don’t believe in abortions, don’t get one. If you think that pre-marital sex is a sin, don’t have it. If you believe that a sack of cells is considered a baby, more fucking power to you. But, just no one should be forced to get an abortion by their government, no one should be forced to be a mother either.