The last month or so has been utter chaos. Some days, I’ve been thriving in it. Others, all I’ve wanted to do is shut down. No one likes that icky feeling of having too much to do and not enough time to do it. In moments when time does not seem to be on my side, I think of what my used to say when I was pressuring her about getting me to school faster in the busy morning hours of middle and high school.
Imagine this 8th grade face trying to hustle you drive them to school every morning. God bless my mother, for real. She’s a saint.
“Emily, the car is currently moving forward. I’m in the process of getting you there. I can only go the speed limit & I have to stop at all the stop signs. You will get there. I promise.”
In those moments, it pissed me off. Usually being late was my fault because I still sleep to the last possible minute of time. Honestly, that’s still why I’m late to this day. About ten years later, though, my mom’s words mean something a little different.
Time isn’t always on our side. Sometimes, we’re expected to do 100000000 things in time that doesn’t even seem like enough to breathe or think. It happens in our workplace, at home, and at school. When you have a hard time saying no, this problem only gets worse. Not only do you have all the responsibilities that come with just being you, but then you’ve added on some new ones that you resentfully said yes to completing.
Lately, I’ve been trying to get used to a new place and new schedule in which a big portion of my time isn’t taken up by school. In a perfect world, I should be able to deal with chaos MORE gracefully than before. I mean, I have the time and the energy that I could turn my focus to it. Without a set schedule or syllabus to keep me in line, I’m feeling a lot of chaos that I wasn’t necessarily prepared for in entering this chapter of my life.
In my head, I thought I’d have all this time to plan out the blog, social media posts, and the podcasts. Since I’m not dragging around a backpack full of textbooks on public policy or astrology, I thought I’d have the opportunity to really lazer in on what I love without a second thought. Let me just tell you, it DOES need a second thought. All this time is amazing, but it’s easy to get sucked into like an addict and a substance. If you walk into the chapter thinking that all you have to do is sleep and work, all you’re going to get done is sleep and work – seems natural, right? There’s no shame in sleeping and working – you do you, boo boo. But, if you think that because the time is there, it’s going to automatically allocated to the new side hustle, hobby, or interest without a little bit of refocusing or recentering…. that’s just not realistic in my world.
I’ve realized this is kind of the same with friendships too. When I was in school, I was seeing the people I loved as much as possible but had these legitimate things in the way from me seeing them all the time – homework, quizzes, exams, whatever. I thought when I moved closer & didn’t have any of those things, I would see them everyday without any added effort.
Truth is, sometimes you have to kind of refocus your social life too! Like, if you want to see your friends more or want the invite to the bars & that wasn’t your scene in a previous chapter, you’re able to make it your scene now!
I had this big assumption that I would move and I would automatically fall into the perfect schedule for a new business and a full-time job and a more involved social life. I assumed that that would require little to no work from me. I was way wrong & it just kind of caused chaos that was hard for me to wade through and understand for a while.
Like my mom said, though, we are on our way. The car is moving forward. We might have to come to complete stops in understanding what’s holding us back or dealing with some trigger, but you are still in the car on the way to where you’re supposed to be. You also can’t drive way above the speed limit. Sometimes, we’re so obsessed with speed through life to get to a certain checkpoint, that we take the roads that we’re traveling in ways that aren’t safe or effective to us. It just causes more chaos.
We are all moving forward. We are on our way and we can’t just jump through this journey. So it might be bumpy or smooth, but dammit, you’re on your way.
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I don’t have a relationship with money. Even when I have plenty to pay all my bills, save some, and do fun stuff, it never really feels like enough. I read a book once that said that you have stress about things that were surrounded by stress in your formative years.
I knew that I always had food, a warm bed, clothes, and my own bed every single night. I was able to do a lot of things that children around me couldn’t. Being hyperaware, though, has always been a curse as well as a blessing. My parents never talked about money with me. Never told me if they were struggling – on the contrary, my dad always said “you can always make more money” or “we will make it work”. That being said, I don’t come from a long line of royalty or business moguls either. I don’t have a trust fund & the value of a dollar became very apparent very early on.
Literally the cutest family ever. Sullivan did make it cuter I will admit.
My parents worked their asses off to get where they are. Like many in their generation, they don’t have these Masters degrees in their field, but were able work their way up. I spent my childhood watching my parents move up into jobs that valued you them more, paid them better, and that they loved doing. At 14, I wanted to be able to *kind of* provide for myself. I got a job in childcare at our church. My first paycheck I became obsessed with the idea of saving, not having enough, and having more.
Some of my friends never had to, and still don’t really have to, worry about a job. They have a credit card linked to their dad’s personal checking account for when times get too tough… and if that’s you, God bless you, dude. Good for your parents. Good for whoever made the fortune for the family – you and I just live very different lives.
At 14, I started to get worried about saving for college. 14 years old. I mean, I had to go to school and I could only work X amount of hours in a week. The thought of my parents paying my way made me sick to my stomach. Again, if your parents had that ability or that was your family’s plan, more fucking power to you. It just makes me REALLY uncomfortable. In my head, my parents are supposed to make sure I have food, shelter, and love. Even that, is more than some people have. I didn’t want or need them to pay for school… I could do that myself.
Let’s not get it twisted; my parents did put their credit on the line to co-sign on a lot of bullshit for me. Especially these student loans, so again, couldn’t have done it without them. After 4.5 years, I was happy to receive my diploma on my own merit, payments that I had made, and debt I had taken on myself.
My parent’s graduation gift to me was paying off a couple private loans. That gift cuts one of my monthly payments in half and takes care of thousands of dollars of school debt. I didn’t feel like I could accept it, even if it was a gift. It was their money – money that they could use to take trips, buy something lavish, or just save.
As I’m writing this, I’m thinking about rent, utilities, my car payment, loans, credit card, and just the price of being alive. There are huge steps I need to take in learning better ways to save money. I need to take better advantage of my monthly budget. God knows, I need to cool it on eating out so much. BUT, the first step of making money and having a good relationship with it has been instilled in me since I was a kid – work your ass off.
Spending someone else’s money is fun and exciting, but earning your own and supporting yourself is soooo empowering. So, if you find yourself spending a lot of money on things that seem temporary, I would challenge you with the question: Do I value one dollar? Do I value my time as a means of making money? Am I spending money to cope with something else? Odds are, one or more of those questions will lead you to some pretty vulnerable realizations about your relationship with money.
I actually really like current my job. I work with my best friends and I’m good at what I do. PLUS, sometimes we get to meet sweet baby angels like these puppies. But, I don’t see myself doing this forever.
I still struggle with moments of stress when it comes to money. I question the path of content creation I’ve chosen and whether it will be as fruitful and successful as I imagine my later life to be. And sure, I could join a corporate office that draws on my majors and make a salary and have a lot less unknown. I made a decision, though, that I would rather be happy, doing what I love, and living a somewhat more restrictive life in terms of finances than working in an office, feeling stale and unhappy, but having extra money in my bank account.
I’m recently listening to the RISE podcast with Rachel Hollis who is a multimillion dollar business owner with just a high school degree. She’s the author of books like “Girl, Wash Your Face” that have become all the rage in today’s younger success-hungry demographic. I listen and actually TAKE NOTES on her words, because her path is something I’m striving for. She always says “there are a LOT of ways to make money and pay your bills.” Which is so true! Money is circling around every industry, every career, and is waiting to be given to driven, motivated people. So, even if the moments now are stressful, I have to remember the end goal is getting paid for doing what you LOVE rather than settling for what you like.
Money is stressful. It’s a huge part of everyone’s mental health. But, you can always make it.. you WILL figure it out, and regardless of what your bank account looks like, you’re worthy of happiness, relaxation, and serenity. This is just as much a reminder for me as it is for all of you.
The last few New Years, I’ve entered feeling a sense of dread and emptiness. I always thought that the year had been this big failure. I didn’t get skinny, rich, or super successful…. so it was a wash, right?
I will say, I looked good at the start of 2019. But, I had my doubts..
This year, I felt different about the promise of a new year though. Maybe I’m still on this high of graduating and feeling like everything is going to change in this big ah-ha moment. I just felt like this year I learned a lot that was actually substantial to who I’ll become.
This year, I learned that being alone doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re lonely. I spent the first half of the year talking to, seeing, and worrying about my ex – as if one day, our broken foundation would just fix itself and we could be happy. If I’m being honest, it wasn’t really me that chose to move on either. It was thrust upon me with words that felt like bullets. It was like I had hit rock bottom so many times, that I was numb to the feeling. If someone can say things and treat you in ways that they don’t even value your life or safety, RUN FOR THE HILLS. I was with him because it was comfortable, because he was all that I felt I deserved in my moments of self hatred. However, 2019 showed me that being alone isn’t necessarily this scary thing that I’ve built it up to be in my head. My value doesn’t come from men messaging me on dating apps. I must feel my value if I want to attract people that will uphold that standard. I spent time with some amazing guys & past Emily probably would have been into anyone that even breathed in her direction. 2019 taught me that being alone is an opportunity to find yourself, rebrand, and reenter the world as the person you want to be. More importantly, being single gives you the opportunity to fully understand the people that are worth your time and those who are not.
2019 also taught me that sometimes, you have to be fucking selfish. For a long time, I thought that being an ally in mental health meant being understanding of every action someone has against you. Part of being an ally, though, is being an ally for yourself. It’s being empathetic and compassionate without allowing your dreams or goals to take a back burner. For most of my adult life, I’ve been so emotionally invested in others or their struggle, that I failed to deal with my own. I realized that decisions that effect those around you are going to work out when made confidently and from a place of love. I have this business where I just want to help as many people as I can… but part of that is knowing when to say no, when to step away, and when to just chose you too.
2019 taught me who I really want to be – not who I want to be with someone, because of someone, or because it made the most sense. 2019 taught me that I don’t have to get married to my high school sweetheart, pop a couple kids out, and live in my hometown to be successful. If anything, 2019 made me realize that going off this path that I had felt like was my own for so long, was actually the best thing for me. It made me realize that I was achieving for everyone else but me. I had goals in my life purely because I wanted to be better than the girls my ex was sleeping with behind my back. I had some goals purely because “that’s just what you do” as a Midwestern girl. 2019 made take a crazy path of starting a new blog, starting a podcast, and having this unwavering belief that it was going to explode.
2019 taught me how to forgive and move on. It made me realize that I had to feel that anger, hurt, and hatred for those toxic forces in my life in their entirety, before I could allow myself to forgive them. Before I could move on. 2019 gave me a reason to believe that something much bigger and better is out there, even if it’s just a feeling in the pit of my stomach right now. 2019 is learning to forgive the people that you never ever want to see again – even if it’s only so that you can deal with the anger and walk away. 2019 was forgiving a man that I felt destroyed by, only to be thankful that he made me learn strength and perseverance. The year was about forgiving myself for being someone I wasn’t for so long. It was about dealing with the hatred that I had for past decisions and actions, so that I could finally move on and reach a potential meant for me.
Most importantly, 2019 taught me to not give a single fuck what anyone else thinks. It taught me to dive so hard and powerfully into the unknown, regardless of what anyone around me thought. It taught me to say what I meant, without this worry of rejection. It taught me to post what I felt good about, wear what I felt good in, and only be around people that made me smile. 2019 taught me the one and only person I need to have on my side, is myself.
A couple years ago, I wrote an article for my school news source called “What I Learned from Being Called Fat”. If you really want to see where my head was at in 2016, you’re welcome to read it here: https://babe.net/2016/10/16/ive-learned-called-fat-4511
But, I figured I should do an update on that post. I stand by what I said there. Time though, holds no prisoners. All those thoughts were amazing for the time being, but they weren’t sustainable as I grew into a young woman. Then, I sited a family member calling me fat to my face. It wasn’t the first time someone had made a comment, nor would it be the last. But, it was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Someone who I loved with all of my heart, didn’t love every inch of me like I thought she did.
NOW, it’s taken me a long time to realize, but this comment wouldn’t have sent my world tumbling to the ground if my self image wasn’t already so rickety crick. So, why was that?
Alright, clearly I love you guys if I’m resurrecting 12 year old Emily photos… braces and all.
The first time I remember being extremely aware of my body was a summer trip to Utah. My little cousin who couldn’t have been more than like 3 walked up and asked if I had a baby in there – pointing right to my bloated little belly. I looked at her mom, who was in her third trimester, and instantly wanted to curl up and disappear. I’ve never told anyone that. I’m 22 years old and it still makes my hair stick up a little.
I’ve always carried my body weight in ways I didn’t want to. My baby weight stayed on WAY too long for my liking. I swam – a sport where the measurements of your shoulders, legs, arms, and feet set you apart from average. Honestly, despite being short and a little chubby, I was pretty damn good. My big ass legs made my walls something to see. But, I was SO aware that I was wearing a size 36 while all the other 14 year olds were wearing 32s. I know. It’s ridiculous, right? When you’re going through it, though, that’s ALL you think about. “If I can lose one inch around here, I’ll drop that second and be faster than her.” “If I can lose 5 more pounds, I might look like so-and-so from geometry and that boy might like me.” For as long as I can remember, body image has run my life…and I’d be lying to you if I said I’ve completely gotten over it.
My depression and anxiety started to get REALLY bad around age 16. I don’t know if that was life’s cruel joke but that was also the year that I hurt my shoulder and couldn’t swim and hormones made my curves extra curvy. I was never diagnosed with an eating disorder. I’m one of the lucky ones. But, there were times in the darkest pits of thoughts that I ate just to fill a void and then cried, because it was never filled. When I say that my weight skyrocketed, I’m not exaggerating for the point of this blog. I gain a lot of weight. I wasn’t eating good food. I wasn’t exercising my body the way that I needed to.
I still remember the day that I broke 200 pounds. Again, the hairs on my body stood up. All I wanted to do was curl up again and die. Of course, I started one of many diets and gym kicks that would fail.
When I wrote that first article, I was kind of sticking my middle finger up to the world. For all intents and purposes, I was testing healthy at the doctor, so I wasn’t in dire need to change my lifestyle. It wasn’t my intention to condone being overweight. In some ways, though, it was my way of settling with what I was: fat. Yes, I truly believe that you should love your body in all forms: chubby, skin, purple, blue, white, black, bumpy, smooth. But, that article was a way for me to sit back and not work towards a healthier lifestyle.
I’m 22 years old now. I’m definitely a weight that I don’t want to be still; but I know that losing the weight won’t make me happy with my body. I have to be happy with my body TO lose the weight. For a long long long time, I was able to use my weight as a shield for why I wouldn’t get shit done. Even recently! A year ago, I was telling myself that I wasn’t going to allow myself to go on a date until I lost 10 pounds….WHAT.
A little more than a year ago, I cut a lot of bad things out of my life: people, habits, choices, mindsets. I know that this seems like bullshit… but my weight honestly fell off. The more days that I woke up happy and without unnecessary saddness, the more dedicated I felt to living a happy lifestyle.
I lost 30 pounds by my 21st birthday, and I PROMISE, I wasn’t going to the gym or cutting out pizza…
Fast forward to now, I’ll let you in on a little secret: I didn’t keep all that weight off. It does fluctuate. BUT, I’m constantly told in my pictures, I’m constantly told that I look happier and healthier than ever before. How do I do it? I have learned to live with the body I HAVE, but work for the body I WANT – loving every inch along the way.
No one’s looking at you – For my little socially anxious honeys, this is a big one. We often put on an outfit that we love, but then we convince ourselves that we’re ugly/fat/slutty/too skinny/etc when we’re out because we feel all the eyes on us. Sorry to break it to you, my dear, unless someone is giving you the eyes because they’re interested…. they aren’t looking at you. The amount of times I’ve had my friends hype me up and convince me not to go home and put on a big sweatshirt is insane. People are worried about themselves, what their too-drunk friends are doing, and the people they’re giving eyes too. No one cares the way that your shirt hits on your stomach. Pinky promise.
Angles are great, but everyone uses them – I have a lot of HOT friends. I’m not kidding, they’ll post a pic and get hundreds of likes in no time. But, if you don’t think that they also contort their bodies for the perfect pic… you’re wrong. EVERYONE uses angles for the best light or to make their ass look the biggest. So, that girl that’s #goals is also modeling herself off others. It’s a never-ending, self deprecating cycle. That being said, Facetune is an app everyone has access to. No, it’s not fair, but remember that when you’re scrolling through Insta and seeing these perfect people. I mean, for God’s sake, Kim Kardashian thinks she needs it…. Social media is NOT all that it appears to be. Take it with a grain of salt.
Protip from the Photog: ALWAYS take from an upper angle 😉 it doesn’t like make you instantly lose 10 pounds, but it usually makes your eyes light up more!
Confidence is key – Part of my healing from a bad relationship and years of bad body image was walking around like I was the hottest piece of ass on the street. YES, this was hard as all fuck. Here’s the thing though, you’re gonna be the hardest person to convince of this. I started to see myself change in pictures when my mindset changed. My smile got brighter. My stance got straighter. I genuinely felt beautiful, because I wouldn’t allow myself to feel any other way.
Guess what, I went on the dates. I stopped punishing myself for the way that I looked & started believing that they were lucky to have my time. I started wearing the damn crop top, despite the bright white stretch marks on my tan summer skin. I danced (and ripped my pants lol) at the bars.
I recently saw a quote that said “You’re stressed because you give a fuck”. That’s kind of how I view my body now. I go to the gym because I want to change the world for a long time. I want to lose weight so that one day I can chase after my kids without feeling like I have a cinder block strapped to me. Right now, my outside body doesn’t always match the drive and confidence I have inside. I give a fuck. So, someday it will. Not for boys, not for judgmental girls, not for anyone else. For me.
I took this picture today (10/15/19) as a work in progress. But, a perfect work in progress all the same. (Don’t let my mom see how messy my room is)
I’m not going to waste my day thinking about how my ass looks in these leggings. I have 3000000000 things to do today that don’t require my ass looking good. The people that I want in my life think hot because of my mind, my passion, and my confidence. My body is can just be a bonus for them 😉 When I was a successful athlete at 130 pounds, I still looked at the scale and wanted to scream. For me, and I know for a lot of you, losing the weight isn’t gonna make you feel fulfilled. You have to reject this idea that there’s a standard of “perfection” that is right around the corner. I promise, you’re not gonna hit it, no matter how much you don’t eat or how hard you sweat. It doesn’t exist, babe. Your body isn’t begging you for perfection, it’s begging you for acceptance. The minute you accept your reality, love your realistic skin, and start the hustle for the RIGHT reasons, that’s when you’ll see some major changes.
So, let’s not get it twisted. I know I’m hot – thick thighs, big ass, layer of chub and all. I don’t need the outward verbalization. I know. I also know that there’s always room for improvement. My body every step of the way, though is as beautiful as I portray it to be. THAT’S how you make it sustainable, my love. You don’t give yourself another option. When you believe that that’s the only possible option, you present one version to the world. People will not only fully see and believe that version of you, but they’ll be in awe of how someone could be so unapologetically confident in their beautiful skin.
I have been absolutely overwhelmed by the amount of love and support that I got in my last blog. At the time of writing this, this website with ONE (1) post has over 425 visitors. 300 interactions in the first 24 hours. That’s so crazy guys (and yes, I did cry tears of happiness. Lots of them.)
I wanted to kind of follow up my first post with how to forgive, even when your mind has created these super high walls. Forgiving, even when the other party probably doesn’t deserve it. Forgiving for the right reasons. Forgiving for your own growth and for your own ability to turn the page.
In the past, I always said that I don’t want to carry around resentment and anger. There’s a difference, though, between saying that and meaning it. I found that in the past I was saying it as a tool to get back in my ex’s life. I would say that I didn’t want the resentment as an attempt to become friends with my ex, bring him back into my life, whatever. I missed him, so I convinced myself and those who questioned me, that forgiving him was the best thing for ME. It was really the best way to see him and get back into the cycle of bullshit with him again.
Recently, I sent a message that didn’t need a follow up. I didn’t need a reaction or an argument. I hammered the final nail into the coffin containing the past, toxic, unhealthy Emily. I fucking forgave them. I wished them the best. And most importantly, I forgave myself.
Now, I was super manipulated and I don’t want to belittle that pain or that process. You learned in my last post that I actually learned quite a bit about future relationships and about myself through those trying times. But, being the victim in some sense doesn’t change the fact that some of the things that I said or did warranted an apology. It’s not based on who he is, it’s based on who I am. I needed to put out in the universe how I was feeling. Even if I’m blocked and they never, ever see it. Even if they read it and don’t think it’s genuine. Even if they don’t care at all. For so long, I had sucked so much toxicity out of the universe and implemented it into my life, I needed to throw some positivity back.
So, I apologized – for things that I was actually sorry for, and nothing that I didn’t feel warranted an apology on my end. I didn’t feel coerced to say it. I didn’t think there was going to be this big “Aha!” moment when I hit send that gave me something in return. The only acknowledgement I’ve seen was someone calling me a “dumb ass jealous girl” which is OKAY! If that’s how they read it and viewed it, that’s totally fine. It’s not by any means how I meant it, nor is it how I felt/feel. BUT, that’s the thing babe – the only thing you can control is you. If you give a genuine apology or act from a genuine place in your heart, you can’t change how people react to that.
I said sorry because that’s what I needed to do for myself. The weight on my chest that I had clearly acted out of a toxic place and out of character still bothered me to this day – after months of no contact. It was a signal to myself and the universe, “hey dude, I’m done here. Let’s move on.”
In the message, which you can see a bit of above, I said that I’m happy for my ex and his new girlfriend. For the first time in years, I genuinely am. I struggled so much with the complicated emotions of not wanting to personally be with him, but also not wanting him to be happy with someone new. It sounds crazy, I know. But that’s totally natural, and takes a lot to get over!
Now, just as I hope it for myself, I hope that he finds a fulfilling and healthy relationship. I was not put on this Earth to love him as I once thought I was. But, he was also not put onto this Earth to have a presence in my life. As soon as I took that power back, I let it go like it never had existed.
I had to find closure myself. Which is unfair and shitty – but clearly, it helped me reach a higher form of myself and a higher form of clarity. Honestly guys, I did go a little loco. I let myself sink to a place that was dangerous for another person & almost blame my mental health deficits completely on them; taking responsibility for nothing. It made it really easy to move on physically, but hard to actually turn the page without getting some paper cuts.
Babe, that closure and calm is there. I found it. Today, I am able to wish someone who hurt the fuck out of me healing and strength. I didn’t feel genuine about that for a long, long time. But now, as I hope it for myself, I hope it for those who have ever been touched by me. I hope it for him and his new girlfriend. Their mistakes and memories are theirs. They have absolutely nothing to do with what we had. Furthermore, because he’s in a new relationship doesn’t mean that I wasn’t enough. It means that I finally figured out what I was worth, what I wanted, and what I would stand for – and none of that was him. At the end of the day, he will never be with another girl like me – and that’s good because IT WAS TOXIC AND ABUSIVE.
No, I don’t ever want another girl to be hurt like I was again. That part still stands even in the presence of an apology. I’m not condoning his treatment of me. The difference here, is that my apology is for MY words and MY actions. My healing, however, will fill the void of an apology from him. I don’t need it. I don’t really want it. An apology shouldn’t be given in hopes of being reciprocated and it’s definitely not some ploy to get back into their life. There is so much power in being able to say “Yeah, you fucked me over, but I forgive YOU because I’m strong.” After sending that message, I felt like a badass. I felt like an adult for apologizing for acting out, but also felt like a queen for forgiving people who I don’t want as friends, followers, or loved ones. I apologized purely because I felt I needed to. Empowering af.
And babe, you will KNOW when you’re ready to take ownership and apologize. There’s a difference between saying you’re happy for them and actually being happy for them. For the first time, I don’t give a shit if I’m blocked or not. I don’t give a fuck if they’re talking badly about me. I said my peace and I can’t control anyone’s actions from here. Another thing – you can want happiness for someone without being an active part of their life. As I said in my message, my life runs more smoothly all the way around when he’s not here. Lesson learned. So, I can just have positive vibes in the world without being a bystander of that happiness, ya know?
So, my friends, don’t forgive because you think it will make the situation better. If you don’t feel it, don’t say it. In my case, part of my forgiveness process was recognizing myself as a player in this back and forth. For me, it meant apologizing for acting as someone I wasn’t for so long and it might not for you! If you’re gonna forgive someone, don’t disservice yourself or them by just blowing smoke. Feel it. Speak it. Analyze it. Forgive for others, but don’t forget to forgive for your own healing and serenity too.
For a long time, I’ve felt like the victim in my own life. I’ve constantly questioned why the Universe, or God, or whatever the hell is up there calling the shots. I’m a good person, good friend, and I was a really good girlfriend. So, why was I being tested?
Honestly, this mindset is just exhausting though. Constantly questioning the energy that surrounds you and feeling like a victim is just draining. I was definitely ready to stop feeling this way, to let go of the past, and to finally move on.
I’ve always been interested in mental health advocacy and restructuring of thoughts. I’ve been in therapy since I was 16. I’ve read all the books, done all the guided meditation, and done so many journal entries my hands eternally hurt. A few weeks back, I came across an amazing podcast (Align Your Life with Namaste Jenay – seriously, check it out!) that changed a lot about my life. It was divine timing, for sure – hearing about how to approach my lasting pain and understanding how to move forward.
Faces blurred for HIS privacy. You can see that we had that cute, Insta-worthy love. No disrespect… but this one is finally about me, not him.
To understand my purpose, you’ve gotta understand the pain. My ex, let’s call him Tommy, and I started dating at the ripe age of 17. We had dated before, been friends through all those gross acne-filled years, and been through a lot. Even five years later, I can honestly say that I loved that kid with all of my heart. Every fiber of my being that could feel love, did.
I don’t want to discredit him. He worshiped the ground that I walked on, let me be the drama queen I crave to be, and never really argued with me when I got worked up.
Red flags definitely presented themselves, but I loved him too much to see them. I didn’t believe the girls that told me things that should have had me running for the hills. Three years later, our breakup had the ability to be civil, but it wasn’t. After three years, we came to the conclusion that something felt different over text. I moved all of my stuff out of our apartment in an hour… even taking the shower curtain as a middle finger to the dude I thought I would spend my life with.
It wasn’t the breakup that hurt though. Yes, it was shitty. Yes, I cried a lot and felt pain, but it was a temporary, easy to heal pain. The pain came after – days, months, and even years after. The pain came when he was promising that he was coming back, only to be consistently hooking up with girls I was told not to worry about. The pain came from crying on the bathroom floor begging him for closure, only to be ignored. The pain came from being used for attention while three girls were in his back pocket. It came from being driven to the clinic and hearing “I have class at 1, so this better be done by then” as if my mental, physical, and emotional was a chore for him. My pain was centered around trying to articulate what my tears were from, only for him to threaten to hurt himself and result in me needing to apologize. My pain came from him throwing the irrationally thoughts I had hyperventilated in my panic attacks right back in my face, as if him speaking them made them fact. My pain was from finally finding my voice only to be called every name by someone I still loved with all my heart.
I was abused. It took me a long time to come to terms with that and say it out loud. I was allowed to feel like the victim without feeling guilty. Sure, there were moments when I was toxic, let’s not glass over that. There were also things that I said that were not okay; that I wish I could take back.
Life has a funny way of rewarding you or continuing to kick based on whether you learn the lesson or not. The emotional scars he left on me will change how I approach relationships forever. At least now I know that this pain, was the Universe’s purpose. My purpose.
I was forcing myself to laugh here. I left that wedding early to cry in the shower – despite having all of my absolute favorite people around me. I had let my pain run wild – picking up food, packing on the pounds, desperately calling him on the off chance he had something positive to say, and losing all hope on life.
My purpose
When Namaste Jenay first started talking about purpose from pain, I thought “fuck that, there’s some pain that is just unfair and too bad to have a purpose”. I mean, there are still therapy sessions when all I can do is cry at how messed up I feel. There are still times when all I want to do is check up on him. There’s still times when I get jealous of the new girl that I know he’s cheating on. So, shouldn’t all of my purpose be negative? That’s the thing that changed my life… the purpose of my pain is all positive lessons from the Universe.
Your toughest obstacle is your biggest teacher.
— Namaste Jenay
Let’s get one thing straight. You’re body is MADE to fight pain. All types of pain. When you roll an ankle, the other muscles step up to overcompensate. When you have strep throat, cells in your body are made just to kick all those nasty virus asses. Same thing for emotional pain. All your brain and heart want to do is heal, but you won’t do that until you accept the pain and find it’s purpose.
In sending me Tommy, the Universe was trying to teach me a lesson about life and love. A lesson that I clearly wasn’t ready to listen to as I took him back for the millionth time. Today, I can finally say that I’m ready for the lessons that the Universe intended for me to learn in this pain. Also today, the Universe can finally say that it believes me!
Thanks Evan MacDougall with e.mac Photography for these pictures that genuinely show the healing. I’ve lost the weight, turned to family, and found the healthiest coping mechanisms for the bad days.
I’ve bare minimum standards for myself. For so long, I let him come back in no matter what he did. The standards that I thought I had got lost in a desperation of getting him to stay. Now, I can say with 100% certainty that I will never stay with someone when trust doesn’t exist. I will never beg someone to hear me, listen to me, or care. No, it’s not healthy to project my issues onto the next man that enters my life. But, I’m never going to be a “You cheated, let’s work it out” girlfriend again. Never. I will never believe that someone who says they love me can continue to hurt me.
I have the power to help other women. With all the bullshit I went through, I was under the assertion that no one could ever go through what I did. That was my own ego getting in the way. It was a lesson that I refused to learn. Not only are there other women who went through similar pain at the hands of Tommy, but there are millions of people who are in emotionally manipulative relationships. There are millions of people whose standards have been blinded by the intense love for one person. So, if the Universe needed me to feel pain and learn lessons so that I can shed light for someone else, it was worth it. If I can be an advocate for one’s voice, even when it’s been silenced, THAT is my purpose.
Even in the absolute best part of my relationship, Tommy didn’t make me as happy as I’m making myself right now.
I needed to find my own strength. Sure, in 2017 I thought I was the baddest bitch on the street. I was in a relationship with a cute boy and for all intents and purposes, I was really strong. But, I wasn’t strong enough for LIFE. Going through my first breakup, I genuinely thought that death would have been easier. (Yes, I’m aware how dramatic that sounds.) But, I had let a guy complete me for so long, I didn’t really know how to be strong. Now, I see girls going through what I did. All their friends want to do is shake them and tell them to step away, but babe, it’s okay if you don’t see that strength there. It exists. It’s there, it just takes time to tap into. The Universe needed me to learn strength. It needed me to learn that the strength I had wasn’t gone forever as a result of him, it was just hidden until I was ready to find it. And now, let me tell you. I feel so strong. Taking the lesson, running with it, and acting upon it has made me so so so strong – physically, mentally, and emotionally.
Life challenged me. For years, I wasn’t ready to find the purpose, see the red flags, or learn the lesson. So, every time he came back in, I welcomed him with open arms; signalling to the Universe that I hadn’t learned last time. My body wanted to heal. My coping mechanisms were in place to guide me to purpose, but I had to let them. I know it’s much easier said than done. But everyday, I had to get up and say “I’m going to heal a little bit more today. I deserve to let my body find the peace that it deserves.” I promise that it will feel like speaking to a brick wall at first. Someday, though, you’ll start to believe an itty bitty part of it. It’s time, my love. Right now. Today.
Today, I struggle with an ability to connect and trust. It’s been easy to blame that on him. But, for the first time, it’s NOT FUCKING ABOUT HIM. This is about growth in me. Fears that I personally have that will hold me back until I face them. But the lessons, they’re there. On bad days when I seem to be reverting to whatever form allowed so much pain in my life, the purpose is ingrained enough to stop me. To save me.
Tommy is dating a new girl now. For a long time, I found it my duty to let these girls know my story to warn them about him. Now, I know, that my purpose is to share my strength, empowerment, and support as living and breathing proof that you CAN get through it. It’s not my job to air his grievances or make sure he doesn’t hurt people. It’s my job to leave him in the past, leave that abuse and pain in the past, and show that though the journey is long, it’s so so so worth it.
There I am, in all my glory. So, this one’s for you, EmyD! Are YOU ready to let your body, mind, and soul heal with me?
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