Forgiving, But Not For Nothing

I have been absolutely overwhelmed by the amount of love and support that I got in my last blog. At the time of writing this, this website with ONE (1) post has over 425 visitors. 300 interactions in the first 24 hours. That’s so crazy guys (and yes, I did cry tears of happiness. Lots of them.)

I wanted to kind of follow up my first post with how to forgive, even when your mind has created these super high walls. Forgiving, even when the other party probably doesn’t deserve it. Forgiving for the right reasons. Forgiving for your own growth and for your own ability to turn the page.

In the past, I always said that I don’t want to carry around resentment and anger. There’s a difference, though, between saying that and meaning it. I found that in the past I was saying it as a tool to get back in my ex’s life. I would say that I didn’t want the resentment as an attempt to become friends with my ex, bring him back into my life, whatever. I missed him, so I convinced myself and those who questioned me, that forgiving him was the best thing for ME. It was really the best way to see him and get back into the cycle of bullshit with him again.

Recently, I sent a message that didn’t need a follow up. I didn’t need a reaction or an argument. I hammered the final nail into the coffin containing the past, toxic, unhealthy Emily. I fucking forgave them. I wished them the best. And most importantly, I forgave myself.

Now, I was super manipulated and I don’t want to belittle that pain or that process. You learned in my last post that I actually learned quite a bit about future relationships and about myself through those trying times. But, being the victim in some sense doesn’t change the fact that some of the things that I said or did warranted an apology. It’s not based on who he is, it’s based on who I am. I needed to put out in the universe how I was feeling. Even if I’m blocked and they never, ever see it. Even if they read it and don’t think it’s genuine. Even if they don’t care at all. For so long, I had sucked so much toxicity out of the universe and implemented it into my life, I needed to throw some positivity back.

So, I apologized – for things that I was actually sorry for, and nothing that I didn’t feel warranted an apology on my end. I didn’t feel coerced to say it. I didn’t think there was going to be this big “Aha!” moment when I hit send that gave me something in return. The only acknowledgement I’ve seen was someone calling me a “dumb ass jealous girl” which is OKAY! If that’s how they read it and viewed it, that’s totally fine. It’s not by any means how I meant it, nor is it how I felt/feel. BUT, that’s the thing babe – the only thing you can control is you. If you give a genuine apology or act from a genuine place in your heart, you can’t change how people react to that.

I said sorry because that’s what I needed to do for myself. The weight on my chest that I had clearly acted out of a toxic place and out of character still bothered me to this day – after months of no contact. It was a signal to myself and the universe, “hey dude, I’m done here. Let’s move on.”

In the message, which you can see a bit of above, I said that I’m happy for my ex and his new girlfriend. For the first time in years, I genuinely am. I struggled so much with the complicated emotions of not wanting to personally be with him, but also not wanting him to be happy with someone new. It sounds crazy, I know. But that’s totally natural, and takes a lot to get over!

Now, just as I hope it for myself, I hope that he finds a fulfilling and healthy relationship. I was not put on this Earth to love him as I once thought I was. But, he was also not put onto this Earth to have a presence in my life. As soon as I took that power back, I let it go like it never had existed.

I had to find closure myself. Which is unfair and shitty – but clearly, it helped me reach a higher form of myself and a higher form of clarity. Honestly guys, I did go a little loco. I let myself sink to a place that was dangerous for another person & almost blame my mental health deficits completely on them; taking responsibility for nothing. It made it really easy to move on physically, but hard to actually turn the page without getting some paper cuts.

Babe, that closure and calm is there. I found it. Today, I am able to wish someone who hurt the fuck out of me healing and strength. I didn’t feel genuine about that for a long, long time. But now, as I hope it for myself, I hope it for those who have ever been touched by me. I hope it for him and his new girlfriend. Their mistakes and memories are theirs. They have absolutely nothing to do with what we had. Furthermore, because he’s in a new relationship doesn’t mean that I wasn’t enough. It means that I finally figured out what I was worth, what I wanted, and what I would stand for – and none of that was him. At the end of the day, he will never be with another girl like me – and that’s good because IT WAS TOXIC AND ABUSIVE.

No, I don’t ever want another girl to be hurt like I was again. That part still stands even in the presence of an apology. I’m not condoning his treatment of me. The difference here, is that my apology is for MY words and MY actions. My healing, however, will fill the void of an apology from him. I don’t need it. I don’t really want it. An apology shouldn’t be given in hopes of being reciprocated and it’s definitely not some ploy to get back into their life. There is so much power in being able to say “Yeah, you fucked me over, but I forgive YOU because I’m strong.” After sending that message, I felt like a badass. I felt like an adult for apologizing for acting out, but also felt like a queen for forgiving people who I don’t want as friends, followers, or loved ones. I apologized purely because I felt I needed to. Empowering af.

And babe, you will KNOW when you’re ready to take ownership and apologize. There’s a difference between saying you’re happy for them and actually being happy for them. For the first time, I don’t give a shit if I’m blocked or not. I don’t give a fuck if they’re talking badly about me. I said my peace and I can’t control anyone’s actions from here. Another thing – you can want happiness for someone without being an active part of their life. As I said in my message, my life runs more smoothly all the way around when he’s not here. Lesson learned. So, I can just have positive vibes in the world without being a bystander of that happiness, ya know?

So, my friends, don’t forgive because you think it will make the situation better. If you don’t feel it, don’t say it. In my case, part of my forgiveness process was recognizing myself as a player in this back and forth. For me, it meant apologizing for acting as someone I wasn’t for so long and it might not for you! If you’re gonna forgive someone, don’t disservice yourself or them by just blowing smoke. Feel it. Speak it. Analyze it. Forgive for others, but don’t forget to forgive for your own healing and serenity too.

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