Tag: mentalhealth

My Abortion Story

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*TW: Sexual assault, domestic abuse, pregnancy, abortion

I’ve struggled to write this blog for years. Little blurbs that I want to make sure are included are sloppily typed in the Notes app, scribbled on scratch paper littering my office, and spoken into voice memos from random days. For so long, I didn’t know how to turn some of the worst moments of my life into something that would actually benefit someone. All the emotions and thoughts bouncing around my head were difficult to streamline into anything productive.

I have struggled with the implications putting this on the internet might have on me, my relationships, or my future. To not share my story, however, would mean that I wasn’t fully getting all the purpose from my pain. Today, on a day that sets our country back 50+ years, the words seem to sew themselves together pretty easily. It’s actually been somewhat easy to type the words I’ve been struggling with for so long: I had an abortion.

Setting Some Things Straight

Here on the blog, I share a lot of things that someone else might consider a “skeleton in the closet.” From the gruesome details of chronic pain to the lowest of my mental health lows, I have never felt ashamed in being honest about where I’ve come from. This is not an exception to that.

It has been a long time coming, but The Supreme Court’s direct attack on women’s rights makes this essential now. The face of abortion is not a bunch of high-school aged girls using it as a form of birth control or women making the “selfish” choice to live without the stress of a child. It’s mothers who are experiencing liver failure and risking her life. There’s women of all ages who simply cannot afford to have a baby or give a child any sort of quality life. It’s young girls and women that are victims of sexual abuse.

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There’s wealthy women, incarcerated women, victims, unemployed women, wives, daughters, sick women, and so many more of us in between. One of the only things that we have in common is that we had to make decision that no one wants to make and now, we have to be synonymous with murderers because of it.

My Abortion Story

The Background

There’s a long, long story leading up to my abortion. Some of the details, however, aren’t helpful toward the goal of this blog. They’re wounds that I’ve exhaustively talked about with therapists and medical professionals on more than one occasion, but that have started to heal. So, I’ll give you the details that are important to the story while still guarding my heart a little.

The foundational information to this story is this: I got pregnant at 20 years old with an ex. The promise of “getting back together” left me really naive to the problems that we’d broken up over in the first place.  I was still blind to all the instances of narcissistic abuse within my relationship. I’ve spoken about my experience with a partner displaying narcissistic tendencies, but I’ll never be able to really describe the day in and day outs of those days.

I saw what so many people beg to see, but felt nothing but pain, confusion, and darkness. One day, I will share this amazing, happy moment with a partner who’s equally as happy, rather than one that tells you all the reasons you can’t do it.

To say that I was innocent wouldn’t be truthful. As I’ve said before, I acted horrible in moments of hurt and pain. There were absolutely moments where I was adding toxicity to an already volatile relationship. And, as people are quick to point out, I do know what a consequence of sex is. Just as I answered when seeking an abortion, I was not convinced, blackmailed, or coerced into my decision. I would still make the same decision over again today if 50 years of women’s rights weren’t just stripped from me, that is.

The Reason

I don’t feel I need to give anyone a reason as to why I didn’t want to have a child at 20 years old. I definitely don’t feel like I have to prove instances of abuse within my relationship to be validated in that difficult choice. It was my body, my life, and my future that were affected in that moment.

Coming to the decision that I would choose abortion was the hardest thing that I’ve ever done. It was harder than dealing with the endometriosis pain since I started my period, losing 11 pounds because I couldn’t keep anything down while pregnant, or even having the actual abortion.

Obviously, there are so many horrible moments that lead up to this decision. I don’t want to give those moments life with a blog. The reason for my abortion doesn’t matter; sharing my story and putting a different face to something so stigmatized does. I’m sharing my story in hopes that it finds a woman that needs it. I just really hope that she knows that she doesn’t need a “good reason” to make a decision about her own uterus.

The Abortion: First Appointment

My first trip to the clinic was traumatic. My partner was not able to be there for some reason or another. So, my mom held my hand and soothed me as I walked into an appointment that would change my life.

Planned Parenthood of Wisconsin literally saved my life. They were paramount in getting me safe care, even though they were restricted by our state’s laws. They also helped me to get another form of birth control that has worked for me for years.

People approached our car and yelled to me about “all the other options”. There were other options, but none that would work for me. My decision had been made. Throughout the first appointment, the staff always had disclaimers about what they were able to do and say per Wisconsin State Law. They were obligated to use the word “baby” and made sure that I saw the ultrasound. That staff was forced by State Law to make this as unappealing as possible in hopes that the gravity of the decision would change my mind.

That gravity had been weighing on me since my first pregnancy test. The weight of which was making me very physically ill. I was anemic, dehydrated, and losing weight rapidly. The doctor prescribed some anti nausea medicine so that I could actually get my body some nutrients.  Then, I was sent home. Wisconsin had a 48-hour minimum waiting period between the initial appointment and procedure. I think it was in hopes that I would change my mind. I didn’t. Don’t worry though, I could have immediately gotten a gun if I wanted it.

The Abortion: Second Appointment

My partner begrudgingly agreed to attend the actual procedure with me. Looking back, one of my parents would have been a better option as you can only have one guest. He had somewhere to be (which I later found out was someone to see) and let me know before we walked in. “This needs to be done by one. I have class,” he had said.

Because of my anxiety and depression, the clinic-appointment counselor had suggested the suction abortion method. It was one where ending my pregnancy was completely done by a doctor that day. No pills that my anxiety would probably cause me to throw up.

I was given 600 mg of ibuprofen and something to avoid infection as preparation. As I laid there, I gripped the hand of a stranger. No guests were allowed in treatment rooms or the recovery area. She asked me about shows I was watching on Netflix. It was a stupid conversation, but it kept the focus off the pain. I watched as the bedpan was taken away and only half listened as the doctor described what she had done to my body. My life had just completely changed in the presence of two strangers. It was overwhelming to say the least.

The recovery room was lonely, sterile, and distant. No guests are allowed to hold your hand or decompress with you per Wisconsin State Law. You spend the first moments after a terrible moment of your life with a juice, thick maxi-pad, and microwavable heating pad.

The Aftermath

My recovery was uncomfortable to say the very least. As someone that was very much struggling in my journey with endometriosis (another reason that motivated my abortion decision), my recovery was unique. When professionally done, the rate of complications only hover at about 1%. I was given a lot of grace from my family, friends, and workplace to recover at my own pace – a privilege very few women who seek abortions have.

My ex and I went no contact a year later after a particularly heated argument. From then on, my abortion has never been used against me. His exit from my life and an extensive therapy schedule was the start of my mental recovery.  The days that I thought about it started to get fewer. Tears shed less frequently and in smaller waves. As with most past traumas, there are days that are harder than others. There is a lot more guarding of my heart now. Today, however, there are long periods of time where it won’t cross my mind even once.

I’m easily able to say that I made the right call. If I had to go back, I’d do it again. My story was just that: MY story. The more that I dealt with the recovery and trauma, I was able to truly understand that it had nothing to do with anyone else. On that day, I made the absolute best decision for me, my future, my mental health, my finances, my physical health, and my life for the ONLY person that would have to live through it all…me.

What Hitting Post Means

As I type this, I’m not sure what will come of hitting Post. I’m not sure what relationships in my life will change or how differently people will think of me. It could lose followers or supporters of my business. At the end of the day, though, I’ve felt my emotions about this skeleton. I’ve cried, screamed, and said worse things to myself than any stranger on the internet can say.

I’ve realized that hitting the Post button will not change my value to those that matter in my life. Hitting Post is something that I’ve felt I needed to do for so long. Now, more than ever, as our country steps into the scariest parts of our past. You are not alone and I will not stop fighting for us.

My Abortion in Perspective

My abortion story is one of so much privilege. I was able to seek safe abortion care in a clean facility. Nearly, 45% percent of women already have unsafe abortions due to lack of access. I had a support system for my mental and physical recovery. In the grand scheme, however, maternal deaths are increasing as the stigma of abortion care changes legislation. Overturning Roe vs. Wade is a direct attack on millions of women. They are women with so many different contexts and needs.

Restricting access to abortion care isn’t about protecting the lives of the unborn. The “Pro-Life” movement never cared about my life or the lives of women who are currently in my position. It’s about having power and control over lives that we then aren’t responsible for living. After all, Pro-Life certainly doesn’t mean pro-women lives or pro-quality of life. 

I’m furious. I hope you are too. If you or someone you know can relate to this in some way, reach out. I am one of millions of people in this country that are by your side. Connect with me at any of the socials below. Fight with me here: abortionfund.org

Weight Does Not Equal Health

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While at the gym, I started to think about how everyone around me was doing something different. Not only that, but they’re all in different places in their lives, their exercise journey, and their physical capabilities. While we have a “type” that we’ve grown to think are “healthy and fit”, we were all at the gym doing what we needed to do for our bodies at that moment. Weight does not equal health. It doesn’t equal your mile time or how much you bench. In fact, the way you look doesn’t determine your health to anyone, despite what we’ve all been taught in this world.

Let’s Talk Elliptical

Jenna Marbles has a Youtube video from forever ago where she talks about getting judged at the gym (which I just found out is deleted :/). While she was going slow on her elliptical, a girl going much faster was giving all sorts of condescending looks. She didn’t know, however, that Jenna had her resistance on the highest setting which gave her a different exercise altogether. A workout that works for one body doesn’t work for another. Some people have injuries or medical conditions that make even moving certain muscles difficult in the first place! The way you’re working out has nothing to do with your health level.

Let’s Talk Fitness Clothing Culture

Athleisure is not only the trend, but also the bulk of my personal closet. Even though I have a million pairs of leggings, I truly do not feel like I can have enough. For so long, the fitness industry has made athleisure for a certain group of people. Those who might have a couple extra inches in any part of their body don’t have athletic clothes that fit them properly or provide support when doing anything strenuous. Brands that I love for pre-workout, protein, or workout gear often only go up to a size XL. It’s confusing, considering the average clothing size of a woman in the US is 14, but trends to size 16-18. Even if you are within the XS-XL size range, you might have broad shoulders, a large chest, strong thighs, or short legs that make shopping for fitness clothing difficult. 

Let’s Talk Looks

By looking at me, you wouldn’t guess that I swam competitively for 8 years. Even now, I can swim laps around people that are considered much fitter and healthier than I. It’s the way that I’ve moved my muscles and how I’ve conditioned my body. Morgan Stickney is a double amputee and professional swimmer. Her fastest 400m Freestyle time as a Paraolympic swimmer is only one minute of the world record time. Without legs, she’s swimming faster than a large majority of the world.

This is an example of an amazing athlete overcoming a physical obstacle. Though not as extreme, the same could be said for the people around you at the gym. You’d be surprised what people can accomplish when you stop placing societal exceptions on them.

Let’s Wrap It Up

The way someone looks does not equate to their health. The way that my stomach looks in a sports bra does not mean that I don’t work out, or that I don’t workout correctly, or even that I’m unhealthy. Unless you’re my doctor with my medical chart in front of you, don’t assume things you don’t know!

Obesity has so many causes. Though being overweight has health risks, it’s important to understand health is not a one size fits all. Encouraging people to love their body isn’t condoning unhealthy lifestyle habits. In fact, loving your body allows you to move, stretch, exercise, and pamper yourself like you need!

Want to talk body positivity? Connect with me on the socials below!

The 5 Best Ways to Support Friends with Mental Illness

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At a recent therapy session I was asked, “Who do you have in your corner? Who can you count on to always support you?” I was overwhelmed by this question. There’s a lot of names that come to my mind: family, friends, and coworkers. Knowing that having a dedicated support system is something that some in my shoes do not, I was able to easily name people who I know will always be there. The people in my life do quite a bit to be allies in my mental health journey. There are a couple of ways my friends have supported me and my mental illness that I aim to do with all my relationships!

Ways to Support Your Friends with Mental Illness

Everyone’s mental illness and mental health needs are different. First off, this is not a one size fits all. I’m also NOT a mental health professional, doctor, or therapist. There’s nothing about this blog that is medical advice – only sharing what has been a huge benefit in my own life!

Number 1: Communicate!

The darkest part of my mental health journey was accompanied with pushing away those I loved most. I felt like a burden on their happiness because I wasn’t happy. One thing that really benefitted me was my best friends always communicating with me, even when it was really hard. I credit my friend, Taylor, for saving my life because when I stopped communicating she continued asking questions, encouraging me, and reaching out to my parents when things got scary.

It can be really hard to verbalize all the things going on in your mind when you’re struggling. However, knowing that you have someone who won’t hate or judge can be an actual lifesaver.

Number 2: Normalize Conversations about Mental Health!

Half of American adults with major depressive disorder will go without treatment this year. We have a serious lack of mental health resources in this country. Those that we do have tend to be pricey and not realistic for the average American. People also avoid getting treatment because of the stigmas that surround all mental illnesses. Emotional and mental health are just as important as physical health. No one is embarrassed to talk about their broken arm; we have to approach mental illness in the same way!

If one of your friends is having a hard time coping with a diagnosis or difficult mental health period, normalize the convo! Being candid about your own mentality (even if you don’t suffer from mental illness) can open the floor for conversation. Also, when people know that their support system does occasional “mental health checks” they are much more likely to reach out in a time of emergency or serious need!

Number 3: Be Patient!

This blog, or millions of blogs, will not be enough to truly say how lucky I am with my support system. One thing I can never repay is the amount of patience that those around me have given in my rough times. Sometimes, those struggling can be the hardest to love. We’re angry, sad, happy, excited, depressed, numb, and every emotion in between. It’s hard to keep up with it all.

Roomie is a huge supporter of my mental health! Who’s yours?

Friends might flake, drop the ball, and be ugly towards you because of how they feel about themselves. I can confidently say it’s nothing to do with you. One of the hardest things you’ll ever do is continuing to invite, communicate, and encourage someone who is not reciprocating or acknowledging your time. It does, however, make a huge difference to those suffering so DON’T feel like it’s for nothing!

Number 4: Know Your Limits!

All of number 3 being said, you need to know your limits when it comes to other’s mental health and your own. Unless you’re a parent or guardian of a child, you’re never responsible for another human’s well-being. You, my friend, always need to make sure you’re healthy first!

In the past, I’ve had a serious problem with trying to take a lot of others’ mental health problems on my plate in order to avoid my own issues. If being an advocate for another’s mental health is causing you to go to a bad place, PLEASE STOP! You don’t do anyone any good when you’re also hurting.

Number 5: REPORT WHEN NECESSARY!

Again, I’m absolutely not a professional here… but when I say sometimes you need to report, I’ve never been more serious. Having friends who aide in your mental health journey can be a huge advantage, but it’s NOT a fix all. Everyone’s struggle is different. Personally, I’ve needed professional help, medicine, and my loved ones’ support to get through some of the hardest times in my depression and anxiety.

It took my friend “reporting” to really confirm to my parents that I needed professional help. Don’t be afraid to let someone know what’s going on in case of an emergency – it might cause tension at first, but it could save a life!

Thoughts? Story to share? Connect with me on my socials below!

Not Your Barbie Girl

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Recently, my roommate said something that I absolutely loved. “A lot of people that we look up to as ‘role models’ never asked for that. They were just really good at running, singing, or posting pics… so we decided they had to be role models,” she said. Until now, I didn’t really think about it. Of course, we want to be someone that others can look up to but does that risk our ability to be human, make mistakes, and live the life we want. Even though I put my life online, I’m not your barbie girl with the best answers or choices.

Potty Mouth Barbie

First things first, I’m a total potty mouth. If I feel like a sentence needs “fuck” in it, I will absolutely not be leaving it out. For a long time, I craved for my blog to be almost editorial; ready for a newspaper. I had an editor making grammar calls and changing sentence structure for a more intelligent sounding entry. In those moments, I really lost my voice and what I wanted my blog to feel like.

Editorial, perfected blogs are amazing, but I wanted my blog to feel like you were sitting down with a friend for drinks. I wanted the perfect middle ground between a Myspace post and a newspaper article. Part of that was allowing my writing to match my actual voice and being relatable in that way. So, I stopped censoring swear words and internet slang. I allowed myself to write in the way that I love and knew that the passion behind the words would bring the right audience to my website.

Do I want kids to drop the f-bomb in their papers? No. There’s a time and place for my style of writing (like a website that you own for an LLC that you pay for). Do I want my audience members to take all my words as law because I run a decently popular blog? Nope. I’m just trying to write about my experiences and relate to those who need it. Just let me write and speak, damn.

Party Girl Barbie

I was previously really nervous about posting photos/videos with alcohol in them. Truth is, though, I drink alcohol! I get drunk! Sometimes, I have too much, say stupid things, and stumble home at bar close. Sharing that, however, doesn’t mean I want my followers to drink, do drugs, or party.

I never claimed to be someone for the kids to look up to nor did I want others to see my Instagram photos and want to be me. Instead, I claimed to be someone who was willing to share my experiences with the world in hopes that someone can feel less alone. Obviously I hope that people read my blogs, like my photos, and interact with the content I’m creating, but it’s not the driving factor in my life. I know that my words, actions, and lifestyle do really relate to & entertain some people… it’s not my job to cater to the masses.

This brings up a larger conversation about people being raised, overwhelmingly affected, and easily influenced by those in the media. Sha’Carri Richardson will miss an opportunity to run at the Tokyo Olympics because she tested positive for marijuana. My feelings on those who vilify marijuana use is a story for a different blog. Sha’Carri never asked to be a role model; never claimed to be someone that young runners, women, or black girls should be looking up to. She was a good runner who wanted to go to the Olympics – why did that qualify her to teach the youth of America right from wrong?

Understanding My Responsibility

As someone who does have people following them and giving a shit about what I say, I have an inherent amount of responsibility. It’s my responsibility to be a kind, empathetic, and loving human being. When there are moments of injustice, it’s my responsibility to stand up for what’s right. 

While I might not have asked to be a role model, I understand that people do read my words and can be influenced by my actions. I want to be very, very clear here: I’m human. My social media presence is about confidence in who you are as a person, but it’s not a G-rated movie with a moral to present at the end. My words are for the person who needs the unapologetic & gritty truth about being an adult in the world we live in. It’s about seeing my mistakes and successes so that you can feel empowered to win and fail by yourself.

So, no, I’m not your Barbie girl. For those of you who don’t like that about me – no hard feelings! There are so many awesome content creators out there doing amazing things. Find the right one for you! Those of you who are here for all of this, thank you for your constant and overwhelming support!

Connect with me on my (sometimes NSFW) social media pages below!

A Life Lesson from the Kentucky Derby

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I’ll be honest. I don’t really follow the Kentucky Derby, nor do I really feel the need to gamble on that. I mean, how do we really know the horse just isn’t having a bad mental health day? What if they don’t want to run? Alright, I kid. You guys get the point though. This year, I heard that the winner has a pretty good story for those of us in need of a good life lesson.

The Background of Medina Spirit

Medina Spirit was as underdog as you can get when it comes to a big event like the Kentucky Derby. People will pay a pretty penny for the best bloodline of a horse that offers the best chance at winning the Derby. Media Spirit, however, was bought for only $1,000.00 – that’s cheap even for your everyday family horse!

The trainer that would eventually win with Medina Spirit, Bob Baffert, said the horse had “no fucking chance to win.” In fact, he was even pleasantly surprised that such a small and meager animal had made it to the Derby at all. He got on the horse expecting to beat by another horse in the competition.

My client, Lorraine Beato, just made an awesome post about this – check it out below:

The Win

To everyone’s surprise, the small horse purchased for one thousand dollar started in the lead and maintained it through the finish line. Medina Spirit’s worth became $1.85 million dollars on May 1st, 2021 despite even his trainer’s thoughts. 

So, What’s the Life Lesson Here?

There were a lot of people betting against Medina Spirit – literally. There were millions of dollars put on other horses in the race purely because of the horse’s size, muscle mass, and background. Still, the horse ran. The person they depended on most, their trainer, said they had no chance. Still, the horse ran.

There are going to be times in life where the people that we want validation from the most are our biggest naysayers. We still are going to have to run. People are going to scream hatred because of what our bodies look like, what our minds can do, and what our past has been made up of. Still, we must run.

It’s not for the people in the stands or the trainer. The others who raced against you will want to flex that they know you and your story. Running forward despite the setbacks, however, is for you. It’s to prove that the only person on this entire planet that can really set your worth is you. If you choose to show up as a $1.85 race horse, then the world will know you by literally nothing else.

Short and sweet. What are you going to do to show up and set your worth this week? Connect with my on my socials above!

Sunlight’s Effects on Mental Health

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The sun has been shining in Wisconsin for the last week or so and I have been in a really good mood. Not only that, but I’ve been full of energy, ready to work, and productive when I’m awake! There is snow still piled up outside and it hasn’t passed the 40 degree Farenheit mark, but it feels more like July than February over here! I started to wonder why this part of the year makes an annual dramatic shift in my day to day life. Clearly, the sunshine helps a lot, but what are the benefits of sunlight on mental health?

Not Sunlight, Actually Vitamin D

Though sunlight feels really good on your face after a long winter and brings out those cute freckles, it’s not actually sunlight doing all the hard work. It’s Vitamin D! It’s fairly common to have a slight Vitamin D deficiency. According to Healthline, nearly 42% of adults aren’t getting the right amount of Vitamin D. These small deficiencies can lead to depression, lack of sleep, and issues with eating. Big deficiencies can actually end up causing larger skeletal problems and mineralization in your bones.

I’ve been taking a Vitamin D supplement for some time at the advice of my doctor. But, why is this one vitamin so powerful? What does it do for mental health overall?

Vitamin D and Depression

There’s a huge correlation between vitamin D levels and people reporting they feel depressed. Those diagnosed with depression are more likely to be within the 42% of people who have an ongoing deficiency. Also, the receptors that intake all the Vitamin D are biologically in the same place as those that we study for depression. Coincidence? I think not!

Sunlight and Our Everyday Life

In general, sunlight dictates a lot of our routines and rhythms. If you’re in a place where days get shorter/colder during some parts of the year, you know how weird your routine can get with even the smallest of changes. It’s easier to get up when it’s light outside. It’s easier to get long, restful sleep when it’s dark outside – simple as that!!

To recap: Sunlight encourages a normal sleeping pattern which encourages a normal routine! If you haven’t allowed a self help podcast, blog, or book to infiltrate your brain yet, one of the first things they’ll recommend is establishing a routine that you feel confident in to be productive. In most people, increased hours of sunlight usually means an increase in productivity throughout their day. 

The Takeaway

I like to leave you guys with something to take away from the blogs. It might be something new that you didn’t know, maybe it’s a tidbit of information that makes you approach the world differently, or maybe it’s just a little something to make you smile!

As I finish this blog up, it’s rainy and dark outside. The opposite of everything I’ve been talking about in these last few paragraphs. In 2021, I hope that I soak up the sunshine – not just physically, but I soak up the serotonin that it feeds my brain. After a year of what felt like endless rain, we can all remember that sunlight is possible. We can look for the sun’s effects on our mental health every single day!

How is the weather making you feel? Tell me at any of my socials below!

** This post may contain affiliate links, which means I may receive a small commission, at no cost to you, if you make a purchase through one of the links!**

Who Am I? Journaling Idea!

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Who am I? I could get specific and spout of my ancestry or where my distant relatives came from. I might even divulge that sulfa-based medication gives me hives. Give me a couple drinks and I just might whisper some secrets. But, who AM I? I mean, who am I really in the grand scheme of things?

Events That Answer “Who Am I?”

Believe it or not, a global pandemic helped make this question not as intimidating to me. I realized that it’s a question that doesn’t have to be answered in one day or a moment. That from the moment we come into this world to the moment we leave it, we’re working on answering the question. There are events in our life that help us a little more than others in the solution, of course.

For me, COVID-19 was a big one. It helped me to realize that living my life wasn’t dependent on the opinions of my friends or how many times I was invited to the bars each week. A happy life isn’t dictated by the amount of social engagements on the calendar, but by your ability to love, respect, and find happiness within yourself. At the start of all of this, I couldn’t find those things within myself. I really thought I could, but I relied too much on the validation of outside forces to find love on the inside for who I am.

At the end of the day, who you are is a big melting pot full of the people you’ve met, the things you’ve been through, and the beliefs that were instilled in you from those most important. All of us would like to believe that our melting pot is the best of the best, right?

This year, especially, I’ve tried to be understanding. I’ve tried to empathize, forgive, and understand as never before. I’ve tried to wrap my head around things that just stemmed from hatred without any luck. All the while, I’ve been asking myself where I fit in all of this?

As 2021 began, I was numb. There is not a doubt in my mind that 2020 was the most difficult of my life by far – and I spoke zero words to my ex! I was extremely negative about what 2021 had to offer me as cases of Coronavirus raged, our politics remained hateful, and we were surrounded by really heart wrenching things. I began to realize, however, that 2020 is not me. It’s not any of us.

It’s a chapter, maybe a long one, in our story that affects the overall plot. It takes our character arch through a loop that we never expected. If I didn’t let it, though, it didn’t have to alter who I am.

I’ve started journaling a lot more in 2021. My original journal entries were only so that I had evidence of all the ugly things that my boyfriend at the time was doing to me. As we broke up, it became a place that I could cry. It was essentially a book about a man that hurt me a lot. Now, my journal is a place in which I grow, learn, and wonder about myself and life around me.

My WHO AM I Journal/Goal Setting Prompt:

Who am I, right now,  in 5 describing words? Are these words that I would like someone else to use when describing me? These words are constantly changing. Always and forever. Is there a word that you’d like to change sooner? How has the stuff that made you feel not so good been ways to make you realize who you are? Who do you want to be?

Do you journal? Share with me at any of the social profiles below!

The Face of Agoraphobia

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Before actually getting a diagnosis, I wasn’t really aware of what agoraphobia meant. It seemed like people who avoided leaving the house were like the brother in The Benchwarmers – not people like me. It was even harder to verbalize the panic that I felt outside the comfortability of my bedroom. I was diagnosed with agoraphobia at 19. This is the face of agoraphobia.

About Agoraphobia

Agoraphobia is characterized as an anxiety disorder in which one fears locations or places that might induce panic or anxiety. For those with social anxiety, this is A LOT of places and can quickly spiral into something that’s difficult to cope with. Rather than feeling the stress when you’ve entered the place, you actually begin to get anxiety anticipating the location. 

Usually, you feel this anxiety because you’re aware that there’s no “out”. For example, people might feel symptoms of agoraphobia before going on a bus, train, or subway. There’s no easy way to get off and out of those situations.

Agoraphobia in My Life

I started to notice the symptoms of agoraphobia as a college student. I was walking into these huge lectures and being overwhelmed instantly. Worry about a power lecture would start the night before, rather than when I was planted in the seat. That’s a LOT of worrying about one 75 minute class. What if I had a panic attack in the middle of a row of lecture chairs? What if I missed something that was on the exam because I was trying to breathe in the bathroom?

To me, leaving the house was just a chore that I didn’t want to have to deal with. I’ve always been a homebody – but this was on a next level. At 19, the diagnosis of agoraphobia was officially added to my chart. It made sense; a lot of sense.

Treatment of Agoraphobia

Treating agoraphobia is similar to the treatment that one goes through for anxiety. You can be prescribed medication, like I was, that takes some of the edge off of entering those anxiety-inducing locations. You can go through therapy, also like me, to try and restructure your thought process surrounding these stressful moments.

In my life, treatment of my agoraphobia went hand and hand with that of my anxiety. It’s fairly common for those with panic disorder to suffer from symptoms of agoraphobia. Truthfully, I feared attending class, going out, and just leaving the house in general. I guess I really just feared having a panic attack in public. 

My Life Today

As I’m writing this, I no longer have agoraphobia on my medical chart. It was absolutely not something I just woke up without. There were a lot of therapy appointments, uncomfortable desensitization, and  I still have moments where I experience a lot of anxiety prior to certain events. There are other locations that trigger anxiety within me. It’s been really important to learn coping mechanisms and self-imposed boundaries for the most comfortable living. 

For the most part, though, I don’t worry about working a shift before I have to go work it. Like everyone else, I dread going to the grocery store because it’s lame; not because I’m scared of not having an out. Since most of my panic has subsided, I’ve seen a huge decrease in my agoraphobia symptoms as well. 

If you are feeling overwhelmed by places outside of your room, home, or comfort spot, PLEASE reach out to a professional. There are so many options and treatments that can be used to combat those feelings. You should never feel like the world is smaller for you because of your mental illness, but if you do right now, you’re absolutely not alone. My name is Emily and I was diagnosed with agoraphobia. This is the face of agoraphobia. 

What are your thoughts? Link up with me on any of the socials below!

Having a Type A Personality in a Pandemic

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I would love to sit here and tell you that I’m a Type B personality. I would love to embody those characteristics. For a while, I even had myself convinced that I already did. I might have some in the bag, though. As I sit here and write a blog on a website that I built from scratch, I’d like to believe I’ve got a little bit of creativity in my blood. I am also queen of the “Tendency to Procrastinate” category. College for me was a bunch of nights doing papers in 6 hours that were assigned 3 months prior. But, alas, I am a Type A personality. Let me just say it: It’s difficult having a Type A personality in a pandemic. 

After having a pretty rough week, I wanted to be a little more analytical about my personality, routine, and mindset within this weird time. Why are there certain moments that rub me the wrong way while others I can digest being in a pandemic perfectly fine? 

Type A Personalities have a tendency to multitask

I don’t fit the mold of a “typical blogger” and I’ve accepted that. Part of the reason I got my Mac was so that I could answer a bunch of emails/texts while I was writing. The amount of tabs open on my computer at a given time are enough to make anyone go crazy. But, it’s always been the kind of worker I am!

In a pandemic, it gets a little overwhelming. There’s so many things I can be doing for my budding business that the piles on my plate seem a little too big sometimes. Unlike with school, I don’t necessarily have deadlines pushing me to finish or grades to guarantee a good product. All of that motivation has to come from within.

As most of you probably know, juggling eight balls is much more difficult than throwing one ball up to catch it again. When you have a lot going on your form can get sloppy and you might even drop something. In reality, multitasking doesn’t really work… for the best work. Yet, those of us who HAVE TO juggle a lot of things at once still do it. We learn how to juggle them all best and hopefully, we learn when to say no to adding more to the mix.

Type A Personalities tend to be competitive

I’ll say it. I am ridiculously competitive. You challenge me in a board game and my trash talk might scar you for a while. I know, I know, positivity blogger. Seriously though, I’ve had a need to be the best since I was a kid. I don’t even think it’s necessarily because I like people to know that about me. Maybe I just want to know it about myself.

Type A competitiveness at WERK at a show choir competition in high school.

As I’m writing this, I’m realizing that it could be an ongoing battle with my own self image. Being competitive and therefore good at most things gives me the ego boost that I need sometimes. Being competitive as an adult is not cute, for lack of a better term. In the pandemic, it manifests itself in comparison with others – other bloggers, writers, and businesswomen. 

Truthfully, blogging is such a warm and accepting community. Those within the field want others to succeed too. So, when you have a competitive personality, you put pressure on yourself to be better, do better, and write better that does not need to happen. It’s a lot.

Type A Personalities are very organized

My patron saint is St. Organization. Color-coding got me through a double major program in the same amount of time I should have gotten only one degree. Now, having two planners, many lists, and ongoing Post-Its are what allow me to get through the day without pulling all my hair out. 

Check out my organization blog for actual tips!

It might be a little much to the outsider, but having this level of organization allows me to have control in my life that has a LOT going on. (See multitasking above.) There’s not a ton of certainty in a pandemic which means not a lot of things that can be organized. 

You almost don’t want to plan for the future in fear that the world comes to a grinding halt again. One day, in March, I was managing in the morning and laid off by night. For Type A-ers like me, the inability to make future, set-in-stone plans really inhibits our organization skills. All in all, pandemics are not great for this girl’s need to plan out her life.

Type A Personalities spend much of their time focused on work

I’m proud to say that Type A personalities are goal-oriented. That’s a characteristic about myself that I absolutely love. When you’re worried about getting sick or those around you making poor choices, your options are limited to staying in your house. Staying in your house means that your list of possible activities are also very limited.

During COVID, I’ve turned a lot to screens. All of my work can be done from my phone or laptop. Thus, I almost feel guilty when I’m NOT working because it’s so easily accessible within the pandemic. What I’ve had to realize, though, is that even though my job is available to me at all times on the computer… I don’t need to be working at all times to be considered successful. 

I have big goals when it comes to the blog, the podcast, and the PR business but spending too much time focused on work just promises to burn me out faster. In a pandemic, you have to be dedicated to scheduling yourself breaks. You have to make sure that you’re not spending all of your time sleeping, working, eating, or bingeing Criminal Minds on Netflix (it can’t be just me). Even though it’s within my personality to dive headfirst into my work while I have the capabilities and the time, it’s been a struggle to set limits for myself when the goals seem right there. 

Type A all Day

There was a time that I didn’t like who I was. I spent a long time learning to love my personality, mannerisms, and characteristics as they were the things that piled up to form me. Realizing where you might be struggling, however, is an emotionally intelligent thing to do at any stage of your life. 

Personally, there are personality traits that lead me to go a little crazy within the bounds of the pandemic. Some days, I have to actively remind myself that multitasking can be overwhelming. There’s moments where I have to be okay with going with the flow unlike ever before. Lastly, I have to remind myself that it’s okay to take breaks and reward yourself even when your goals are huge. 

Whether you have these traits or not, this time has been completely weird for all of us. Understand that you’re not alone if you’re feeling a little goofy, off, or just plain stressed. As we learn to live in a time that we never thought we would have to, we are all getting through it. One day at a time. 

How are you holding up during these times? Hit me up on social media and tell me your story!

Instead I Live on National Suicide Prevention Day

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I know that National Suicide Prevention Day isn’t a national holiday. It’s a day dedicated to the prevention of suicides around the world celebrated on the 10th of September each year. Does the general public know of this day? Absolutely not. To be honest with you, I didn’t even know the exact date until I was approached by a mental health organization on IG. So, as a mental health advocate and blog owner, I didn’t know the day of the year that we show our commitment to preventing suicides for the entire year. Something is wrong with that. So, today, I chose to write about my experience, my story, and my commitment to preventing suicide 365 days a year. *TRIGGER WARNING: Suicide, suicidal thoughts, depression*

I would never have classified myself as someone that was suicidal. Even now, despite sharing a bunch of vulnerable stories online, I’m hesitant to put that out there. Suicide feels too dark and real to put online sometimes. But, like everything I put online, I share because it might make someone else feel a sense of community, belonging, and comfort.

My Story

In my file, you’d find a note from my high school years that reads something like “Displays Suicidal Tendencies.” The things I said were in line with someone who didn’t care whether they were on this earth or not. Goals that I had for the future were nowhere to be found – partially because I couldn’t imagine a future. 

My experience with suicidal thoughts or how to combat them is different than others. It’s not the same as what you see in the movies or even on those videos that they show you in health class. For me, everything just kind of was numb. I didn’t care about grades, friends, or anything that had given me joy. All I had the energy to do was sleep & sleeping forever seemed like a pretty good solution to these problems. 

My story as you’ll find, is not a one size fit all. Some people have trauma that pushes them into depression and suicidal tendencies. Some have depression in their biology that deals them a rough hand of cards from the start. After that, problem solving feels harder and harder every time. There’s some like me, who have an amazing life, an amazing family, and essentially all the right tools to make it, yet still fall into the trap of having dark thoughts. Some people fit none of those descriptions. 

The Realities of Suicide Prevention

Understanding suicide and treating it as a reality in our world is always the first step to combatting it. First, let’s just get this out there: suicide exists. Unlike popular opinion, it’s not just 20-somethings who have been mentally disturbed their whole life. In fact, the highest demographic affected by suicide is middle aged white men, according to the American Foundation of Suicide Prevention. It’s K-12 students who’ve been bullied, gone through trauma, or just dealt with undiagnosed mental illness. Our elderly population is not immune either. Though we have a schema for suicide, understanding that prevention goes far beyond a classroom or social media screen is extremely important. 

I’m not a doctor, a therapist, or even a volunteer for a mental health organization. The credibility I speak from is having gone through my own issues. Thus, I can’t sit here and say all the ways you can combat suicidal thoughts and tendencies. I can, however, talk about how I learned to live when all I wanted to do was die.

MY Suicide Prevention

I was talking very openly about death (a huge warning sign – follow this link for more info) even if I hadn’t begun to develop a plan. It was clear to those that loved me the most that I cared very little about things that happened in my life – good or bad. In fact, I was ready to disconnect from anything that made me feel committed. Speaking very candidly here, I started to imagine what other’s lives would be like without mine. Would they be better off? My anxieties pushed me to think so, but something about that felt wrong. I couldn’t imagine my baby brother talking about the sister he “used” to have. No matter how irritable, angry, or just confusing I had been I was still his big sister. 

I Started Talking

Thank you to HeartSupport for this graphic and the #InsteadILive campaign that inspired this blog!

The first time I said “I’m not okay” outloud was really difficult. I had been getting through the day, going through the motions, and crashing into rock bottom as time went on. When I finally let those words out of my body, it felt like a tidal wave. 

Talking about my depression, anxiety, and dark thoughts has been hugely therapeutic for me. Even now, speaking openly about things that might be uncomfortable has made me feel empowered to be exactly who I am. Speaking about thoughts that I had allowed my family and I to pinpoint some areas of my life that were at an absolute breaking point, even if I didn’t see them as such. When you’re talking about your feelings, you can also get to realizations faster than just keeping it all bottled up.

It was so hard for the people I love to hear me speak about life so apathetically, but it also allowed us all to work towards a healthy solution to the problem.

I Created

Courtesy of HeartSupport and the #InsteadILive campaign

If you guys couldn’t tell, I do have a blog. LOL. No, but I’ve been writing about mental health and those moments of pure mental anguish for a long, long time. Even before they were under the name “EmyD”. I also used song, dance, and art to express thoughts that I literally could not formulate into words. Throwing myself headfirst into hobbies allowed me to give a shit, for lack of a better term. When all else failed, I had something that actually made me feel productive and a bit more human.

Don’t get me wrong. There were days that I was so mentally exhausted I couldn’t get out of bed. The idea of “perking myself up with a painting” would have made me vomit. Let me tell you, though, learning to live for something is a game-changer. I couldn’t put all of that on my brother because it’s not fair, nor does it give me autonomy as a young woman. I had to learn how to love what I could say, do, write, and create all on my own. 

I Advocate

While I still have a mental illness, it’s been a long time since my mind has had a suicidal thought. It’s not because I’ve grown out of it or completely changed. Rather, it’s because I found value in life that I couldn’t see. I learned coping mechanisms for mental illness that only worsened it. Lastly, I learned that saying “I need help” doesn’t make you any less of a badass. 

These days, I still have really bad days. They come much more in frequently now. Between them are many really great days to ward off the darkness. But, I still have bad days. I advocate for people with mental illness and suicidal tendencies because living is the best decision I’ve ever made. 

I advocate now because six years ago, I needed someone else to advocate for me. I commit myself to preventing suicide in any way I possibly can on this National Suicide Prevention Day. Even when it gets dark and scary, I have to remind myself that I can defy the thoughts that want to put me down by saying, “Instead, I live.”

Thank you so much @HeartSupport for creating such an important initiative and constantly advocating for important things. Thank you, Taylor Palmby, for encouraging me to look into the #InsteadILive campaign!

Join the conversation on any of my socials or find valuable resources through HeartSupport!