The past couple months have been spent bundled up in quarantine. I wish I could say I put my bustling love life on hold to be safe and responsible in the midst of a pandemic. Truth is, though, I stayed safe and responsible because I didn’t have a bustling love life to put on hold.
For a long time, being SO single was a gigantic chip on my shoulder. I mean, who was I to speak on both platonic and romantic relationships if I didn’t have the second half? While in quarantine, however, I’ve realized that being single isn’t an indication of someone being unworthy. In the past, I didn’t allow myself to go on dates or even think about another partner because I was caught up in toxicity that was an on and off again relationship. I was single as a form of self harm – a controllable punishment as a result of a failed relationship.
As things started to heal, though, I surrounded myself with people whose romantic situations all looked a lot different. Some of them had on and off boyfriends that I could absolutely relate to. Others had been dating their partner for six years and still never fought. I had a lot of questions for them. I had hilarious guy friends who remained single by choice because they weren’t ready to settle down quite yet. All of these situations spoke to me in different ways. The people that I loved and respected didn’t have to be in relationships to feel whole.
I started to surround myself with more strong, independent women. We had all outgrown the chasing boys phase we once had and now could be found breaking it DOWN on the dance floor. When we spoke about new men in our lives, the tone was a bit different. Their intelligence and character was almost as important as their looks. More importantly, we didn’t need to have a suitor to be worthy. We didn’t need a partner to warrant the attention. The time that we spent single was used to unlock all that confidence in ourselves.
Below is an amazing Instagrammer (@naturally_nichole_) who recently got engaged & got me thinking about building a life with a partner that actually serves us! Clearly, she found the right one (CONGRATS, girl!) and she brings up an amazing point. Sometimes, we have to leave behind a life we know to build one that better serves us – that includes our love life! Nichole made me start thinking about changes I’ve started to make and those that I want to implement. That is growth, my friends.
Finding a partner that suits you can be extremely difficult. So often, we’re looking for someone to complete us but, we’re not half of anything. We don’t need another human to be whole. We don’t need a significant other’s touch to fix what we might view as broken. Rather, we need someone who compliments us. Sees the flaws as what they are – no sugarcoating, no gaslighting, no bullshit. We need someone who sees the flaws, acknowledges what they mean, and loves beyond them.
A partner that serves us encourages us to think differently, act differently, and behave differently without explicitly telling us to do so. They show parts of their experience that we’ve never seen. They check us when we’re horribly off base. Most importantly, they ask questions so that the confidence within you grows. If it all comes crashing down, they’re there to help you rebuild.
Everyone walks around with a fire inside them. You have it right now as you’re reading this. It could be roaring as you manage a huge business, get your doctorate, and make your sixth invention of the month. It could be just a teeny tiny spark; barely noticeable as you struggle to find your place. Regardless of what your fire looks like now, we enter all adult relationships with it and attempt to nurture it while doing a million other things. A good partner will nurture yours AND theirs. They won’t be intimidated by your glow, but applaud every level of success that you get to. They’ll push you to aim higher, ask what your new goals are, and love you even when you trip up. THAT’S a partner that serves YOU. That serves your fire.
Guess what?! It’s okay to work on the fire before the partner! It’s okay to be a boss babe that sets all her work goals first. I mean, it is 2020, people. If you want to travel the whole world before you jump on a dating app…. Take lots of pictures! If you want to spend all your time writing blog posts instead of meeting “the one” in a Wisconsin bar… more time to save for a wedding!! The partner that we have for the long haul is for us. It’s not to prove to Nana, Mom, or Cousin Lucy that you’re worthy of love. They’ll see it when you finally have the one that serves you after checking all of your needs off the list.
If you’re in the loop of “Why am I single?” bah-humbug, try this:
- Surround yourself with more single people
- Spend more time making money/projects/things than on dating apps
- Follow more single people – this one is a life changer that you won’t even realize you did until you do it!!
- Plan more trips with friends!
- Let it go – odds are some beautiful sailor (who’s totally into mental health blogs & start up businesses) on leave for one night will magically bump into you when you’re at a girl’s night with all your friends but ONLY when you’ve stopped obsessing over the fact that you’re single
For right now, let the “partner that best serves you” be the people that know and love you most. It gets weird when life presents you with people who would be contenders in the past. The person that was tired of being single would have dated these partners in a heartbeat!! But, after some time being single, you’re actually willing to stand your ground, hold your standards, and wait for the person that’s actually going to serve you and your purpose.
Are you serving yourself first? Are you remembering that at the end of the day the world wants to see YOU it doesn’t care if your single, married, in a relationship, or divorced so show up and show off! Let’s chat on any of my socials below!